Her

A few days ago something someone said in passing piqued my curiosity. It was only a word and I have no idea why it caught my attention the way it did. Maybe it was the way it was said as the man walked by and out the door. The word spoken was said as if he was talking to someone, but he was alone, walking briskly and it looked as if he had just said it into the air. The word was “Her.” 

In the moment it was hilarious and unexplainable. There was no logical reason for why he said it, and there was nobody close to him who he was saying it to. After my giggling subsided I found that I couldn't stop thinking about “Her.”

The moment I heard him say it the first thing that popped into my mind was the movie “Her.” Personally I never had a desire to go see it when it was in theaters what feels like an eternity ago. I was in no hurry to see “Her”...ever. But throughout this journey, I have found that it's in the most ridiculous and unexplainable moments if I am willing to stop and let that moment in that I have had my greatest revelations and most divine discoveries! 

I know I have probably spent my life dismissing such moments and events. They usually happen so quickly that to be honest, its easy to forget something that barely even has a chance to register. I was usually off and running to the next whatever I was going to do. 

Getting caught up in the moment is the only place where real life exists. Stopping in my tracks is something I have learned how to do. I don't want to miss whatever may be wrapped in the moments called inconvenience and unexpected. This was one of those moments. 

As I was driving home I decided that I was going to find the movie “Her” and watch it. I wanted to write when I got home and on top of it I was feeling quite drained from my day, but I felt like if I just went on about my business I could miss something that was awaiting my arrival. That might seem silly to pretty much everyone on the face of this planet, but I have had too many experiences in this way that have changed the way I see and experience life to dismiss it.

I couldn't believe that I was going to spend my evening watching a movie that I planned to never see. I went into watching this movie with the understanding that it was about some guy who falls in love with his phone. I had no idea what I was in store for.

I was surprised at how quickly it captured my attention. Weirdly, I saw many parallels to my own life...just a little differently. It wasn't at all what I thought it was going to be, and I was even so moved in parts of it that I wept! I was shocked.
There were a few “racy” scenes that I actually closed my eyes for because I was embarrassed. One of the scenes nearly right in the beginning made it clear that closing my eyes was not enough...I could still hear what was happening! I am amazed at how different I am. 

Nothing used to phase me, and now I feel so connected to everything and everyone that I am very selective with what I watch and listen to. That may also sound silly, but I have experienced a life filled with the low level numbness of disconnection from myself and everyone else. I know what it was like feeling totally lonely and alone while in the middle of the crowds of people that used to be in my life. When I was doing something fun or with people everything felt OK in that moment, but when I wasn't always doing something I felt totally isolated even when there were people all around me.

It wasn't really until I began reflecting over my life that I realized I don't do or watch certain things anymore. I finally understood that whatever I put in eventually comes out in one form or another. I was able to see the direct connection to the power I have over the way I feel and my mood based on the things I see, think about and do. 

I love movies don't get me wrong, but being cluttered with the noise of life whether it's in movies, tv, reality shows, internet videos, cell phones or my former technology addiction it was impossible for me to stop everything that was running inside my head. I was totally addicted to the things that were keeping me from being able to experience life.

I used to be a huge scary movie freak...the scarier the better. Not anymore. The more in tune I became with myself and my spirit I started becoming highly sensitive to things that were sapping the life from me rather than inspiring it. I continued doing things I had always done until I felt abrupt shifts in my life when I had just been experiencing heaven in the middle of hell. When I did whatever it was anyway I immediately felt the reality of the inescapable hell my life really was.

I had finally began experiencing what it is like to have an even flow of joy and healing divine energy. When I did some of the same things I had been doing for years and years, I found that everything felt off. Feeling the differences has changed the way I choose, and adjusting my choices has changed my entire life!

So I almost turned the movie off because I didn't want to see or hear any of what was going on. Instead, I decided to fast forward through those parts. I'm glad I did because overall the movie surprised me. It reminded me of how I feel sometimes loving God so much and knowing that he is always with me, but would give anything sometimes just to be able to crawl up into his lap, lay my head on his chest with his arms wrapped around me and hear the beating of his heart. Instead, I put my hand on my heart and know that feeling my heart beat is to feel His!

So much of my life is lived in relationship with Jesus, my Heavenly Father and their precious Holy Spirit just like the movie depicted the man played by Joaquin Phoenix. He was having an all enveloping love affair with an operating system named Samantha. The difference is that I know the love of my entire existence will never go away and is experiencing life with me in all of the things I do, and we do together!

I understood the agony in the emotions he was experiencing as well as the elation that lifts you so high that your feet never touch the ground! Then I thought for a minute just how it would be possible for what is “formless” to communicate and experience true relationship with us. In the movie, Samantha being an operating system, was only able to communicate and “see” through the camera of his phone. Though she was not in a body, he was experiencing life with her in all of the things they did together. 

The heart connection pierces deep into our feelings and emotions beyond all that can be seen. It transcends logic and though seemingly intangible the tangible experiences are captured and stored in the cellular memory throughout the body. That makes it possible to access the feelings and emotions again and again whether good or bad, wanted or not. We draw the intangible into our reality one thought and feeling at a time!

It was beautiful to be able to have a visual of their relationship because it reminds me of what I experience every moment of every day with the Lord God who made me and created me to be this woman that I continue becoming...to live this with Him and for Him! I kept thinking what I would have missed if I had never seen that movie, and how differently everything could have been if I would never have given another thought to someone saying something as common as “Her.” 

I could have just come home, started writing as I had planned, went to sleep, and I never would have known the indescribable joy of the unexpected in quite this way. I was so thankful and still am for the moments where the nearly unnoticeable and seemingly insignificant become the doorways that open and take us to places in directions that we probably never would have gone on our own.

The saying “take time to stop and smell the roses” is totally true...because just as with the rose, the beauty it holds, and its intoxicating fragrance...you can't speed along and enjoy the fullness of all the rose is at the same time. Magical things happen when you allow yourself to get stopped in your tracks...I recommend doing it as much as possible :)

Worth the weight

A couple weekends ago my oldest son wanted me to go out with him to a small bar in Chaska. He was going to sing Karaoke, and he was pushing me to sing. It's been a long time since I have sang in front of people, but after much resistance I finally told him that I would sing a Christmas song with him. 

He sang a few Johnny Cash songs and together we sang a Winter Wonderland. We played pool and ended up staying until a little aft.er 1:30 am. I was exhausted before we even left to go. I was in so much pain with my back that I could barely stand it, but he wanted me to go and so I went. I'm so glad that I did! 

I didn't wake up until nearly 1pm the next day and it felt like my entire day was gone. It's amazing because for the better part of 20 years I was always a "night owl." I can't remember ever going to bed before 2 or 3 in the morning...or later. In fact, I have struggled so much with being able to get to bed at a "normal" time that it wasn't until a year ago that I discovered Melatonin... which has changed my entire life! 

A friend of mine had an unopened bottle and gave it to me. At the beginning of this year, my biggest goal was to get my bedtime "under control." I felt like it was one of the biggest factors limiting my potential even though some of my greatest discoveries, revelations, creations, and most inspiring work have been in the quiet stillness of the early morning hours while most people have been sound asleep for hours. 

Even though I desired to get into a routine where I finally got to sleep at a decent hour, it seemed that it would never happen. I knew that I needed sleep in order to get the rest my still healing body and mind desperately needed, but my body functioned on a totally different operating system!

It's been a little more than a year now that I have been taking Melatonin, and I started noticing that I was getting sleepy on my own just a few months ago. By the time 7 or 8pm came, I was so sleepy that I could have crawled into bed and gone right to sleep. This is amazing to me, and yet as thankful as I am for my  circadian rhythms to finally becoming regulated and finally being on a schedule where my days are full and my nights are restful...I do miss the hours I used to stay up through the night designing, researching and creating. It feels like I have to compartmentalize my creating now in order to balance my life and still get adequate rest.

My children have never really gotten to experience my life as the person I have become over these past few years. So much transformation has happened in just this year alone! I have developed boundaries and structure that I have never had before. I actually take time to care for myself and listen to what I need for my mind, my body, my soul and my spirit...though not necessarily in that order. For the very first time in my life I am living life as I never have before and I don't compromise. I choose, I observe, I adjust, and am always on the look out in each passing moment how I can live out all of the amazing things I have discovered and learned through now to make the differences I can make. 

However, there are consequences I know I will have to face physically if I push myself to do things anyway. Tired or not, back pain or not, I wanted to spend time with my son. So I did. 

I was puppy sitting over that week and I was more hesitant to go out even if it was with my son. I had no idea we were going to be gone until nearly 2am or I probably wouldn't have gone because I know me and the me I am now can barely stay up until midnight anymore. When I got home I walked the puppies and then crawled into bed, but not long after I laid down, my tummy felt upset. So I ate some of the most amazing chocolate covered pretzel thins and tried to go to sleep. 

I was way over tired which was weird. I felt exhausted but I couldn't fall asleep. My body felt physically restless. It was probably 3:45am the last time I looked at the clock. The next time I opened my eyes it was nearly 1 in the afternoon and I was so disoriented. It felt like I had been hit by a Mack Truck and everything felt very swollen throughout my body. 

I was thinking about some of the things my son and I were talking about the night before. I shared with him about some really incredible supplements that I discovered. I was excited because I was going to lose some weight, but I couldn't take the supplements and my ADHD medicine at the same time. Back in 2012 when I went through the most traumatic physical experiences I have ever known I gained about 60 pounds in a little over 4 months. It didn't make sense and it was unbearable. I went from being just about a size 3 at 119 pounds to nearly 180! I never even weighed that when I was at the height of any of my pregnancies! 

Having back problems with sudden weight gain was beyond excruciating and it has been a 2 year struggle through the insanity of comparison. Progress has felt so slow, but I have to say that I am 8 sizes smaller than I was last year at this time. So though I would prefer this to all be a really intense nightmare that I could wake up from, I am continually learning how to do things that are healthy, balanced, and to accept that this is a process. Right now this is where and who I am and for the very first time in my life I am ecstatic to be me! 

So as my son and I were talking he was concerned about me not taking my medicine. I felt myself getting defensive inside because of how tired I get with the longevity of everything. I told him that I needed to lose weight and how I was having all kinds of issues being able to do that. When my back began getting a little bit better over this past summer I joined Lifetime and started working out. I was swimming and even started yoga. I was super excited and hopeful, but I never even gave a thought to how having Rheumatoid Arthritis would affect my body. 

The heating up during “exercise” makes everything swell and it's beyond painful. Even swimming was difficult and it was like someone flipped a switch inside my body and I couldn't get the swelling to go down. Every movement whether it was to get up to go to the bathroom or walk to my car made my hands and legs and feet begin to swell up like someone had wrapped a tourniquet around every joint! 

I had to make a decision that even though my back was getting better through acupuncture, my body was still in a major healing process that I needed to respect. To do otherwise would be totally counterproductive to all of the treatments and physical therapy. So even though I felt crappy about stopping all exercise to let my body calm down and begin to recalibrate again, I did. 

It felt like I was giving up or being lazy, but no matter how badly I felt, I knew that if I didn't listen to my body that I would risk undoing all of the amazing and miraculous progress I have made. Nothing was worth that. Even if it meant that I was going to have to endure being the weight I am now for much longer than I ever imagined, I chose to trust that the continued healing taking place at the cellular level is critical to everything else. So what if I didn't weigh what I did before all of this happened...if I cut corners during the reconstruction of my foundation it would only be a matter of time before whatever was built upon an "almost" solid foundation would come apart at the seams. That was not an option!

Slowly over the months since I stopped exercising my body continues returning to the place of calmness where most days nothing swells, and when it does, it doesn't take long before it subsides. I am allowing myself the space for my body, my spirit, and my soul to live working together as the whole they were created to be. As a result I am experiencing the most epic healing that is nothing short of miraculous! 

Driving to Karaoke and talking with my son that night was different than any conversation we have ever had before. His concern for me was something that I couldn't deny especially after all I have learned about the consequences of doing what I want to regardless of what anyone thinks or says. I have also learned along the way that if I am resisting something there is usually more I need to look inside to see that is hiding underneath whatever I am being defensive about. So I chose to stop telling him all of my reasons for why I was justifying stopping my medicine just so I could take something that could potentially make the weight come off easier and give me a "boost" in speeding up that process. Instead, I chose to hear him not just as my son, but respect him as the man he is.

He went on to tell me that I am beautiful and I am not overweight. He told me that I need to take my medicine because it is for my brains functionality and that there is nothing wrong with the way I look. It felt silly talking with my son about the reality I see versus what he sees, but I was able to see the common thread between the things he was sharing with me and things a couple of my dearest friends have actually told me recently.

Not everyone can say versions of the very same thing and be wrong. So I decided to look through the eyes of wisdom and the heart of love at myself. When I got up the next day, I decided to stop taking the new supplements that I was so excited about and resume taking my ADHD medicine. I had only stopped taking my medicine for 2 days, but that was long enough to see that to resist the full acceptance of myself is the same as saying that God made a mistake and I know that is not true! 

I've learned that miracles are possible in every moment, but not without total acceptance of what is. Acceptance I have found doesn't mean you have to like everything about what is happening, it just means that "it is what it is" in this moment. That seems to be the gateway that opens to making true change possible. I thank God for being called out on my crap...that my son loves me enough to tell me the truth because he cares so much for my well being and that he is brave enough to say something! 

I thank God for the new heart He has given me. The old me could have cared less about what anyone else had to say because I was going to do what I wanted to because I wanted to do it. Now, I see just how important it is to hear the feedback and thoughts that differ from my plan or ideas. I have learned how to choose and accept advice that I really would rather not because it challenges me to see things about myself, circumstances and the impact my choices will have beyond me.

I have learned to live my life as transparently as possible. I don't try and hide behind a fake smile or sugar coat what things really are in order to deal with them or just so I can feel better about myself. I don't drink anymore to escape or forget, and I don't do drugs to mask or numb the pain as I once did. My life has become something it has never been. Consistent and authentic.

I am the most authentic me I have ever been. Living authentically continues to show me the true grit of who I really am. I have developed character along the way that blows my mind because I know who I once was. It seems every day new facets emerge and I discover another part of myself that I never knew was always within me. For the first time in my life I am living, I am mastering me and I am amazed to realize that in mastering myself, I am mastering everything else.

For the first time ever I see my weaknesses, I see my strengths, and I see the fears and panic that try relentlessly to choke out my voice to keep me from taking another step. I witness the courage and bravery that emerges moment by moment as I face myself and do the very thing I am terrified to do. The more I do something, the easier it becomes, but that voice within still does everything possible to keep me tied up in the fear of rejection. Insecurity still tries to ambush me just because I don't look like I did before 2 and a half years ago trying to convince me that I am never going to be able to do any of the things that I am so hopeful for and passionate about. 

The difference is that even when I get sucked in to my own emotional spiral the Lord reminds me to remember who I was and who I am. In all honesty, I would much rather be the me I am today with the total freedom through the heart I have been given than to be everything I was on the outside before all of this happened! I lived locked up in the prison that held me inside for my entire life. Day by day, through this healing process I see that it is a miracle only by the grace and love of Jesus that I am even here! Knowing that and even more than knowing, believing inspires me to reach deep, live love loudly and pour out everything I am so that my Lord can fill me up and we can do it together again and again forever!

Its interesting because my son and I were talking on the way home from singing Karaoke and he told me that I need to get out and go to different bars to sing and just be out and around people in order to meet new people, make new friends and get my confidence back. Personally, I love who I am for the very first time ever and I value my time with myself and my Lord who is my best friend, my husband, and my everything! I understand that it is important to be around people, but I am still recovering from my life that was once filled with insanity, carelessness, and was constructed upon a roller coaster unlike could ever be physically created because of the speed, twists, turns, heights and plummeting into the darkness and unknown which were always filled with more of the same.

I am learning what it is to be a person as if for the very first time, and though I wobble and fall down, I get back up, explore, discover and grow in ways that never would have been possible without the wobble and falls!

I am so thankful that I finally get sleepy early and I finally understand that bedtime is something essential to my healing and wellness! It is not an option to sleep until nearly 1 in the afternoon as I did a couple of Sundays ago, but for the sake of the time I had with my son, I saw beyond “my plan.” 

Being who I am with my son and my children is something that they have never gotten to see or experience with me in this life time. That is worth choosing to push outside of my comfort zone and do something I would rather not for the sake of our relationship. This is what love does. This is my life, and I praise Jesus with all that I am for none of this is possible without the immense peace, joy, wisdom, and inspiration He pours within every fiber of my being and flows effortlessly as the river into the ocean even in the midst of the raging storms.

Standing for the first time in my life upon an unshakable foundation continues showing me that no matter how I am rocked or hit with the unfathomable and unexpected along the way, that it is possible to stand as the lighthouse stands upon the hill lighting the way through the darkness. Love teaches me that the peace and calm stabilizes and guides me when the winds blow and the waters rise all around me. I have come to understand that this is the polarity of life. What is within, is reflected all around me, and at the same time, what I am seeing all around me is also the reflection of everything that is no longer happening within me. It seems like a paradox of sorts.

This becomes 2 sides of the same coin. Though there are 2 totally different parts, it is impossible to have one with out the other. To try and separate them would be like trying to dissolve the connective bond adjoining light and darkness together!

Everything in my life ever since I was a little girl was turbulent whether it was happening around me, or inside of me. Growing up feeling that way first caused separation between me and myself before causing me to feel the separation of everyone else through my feelings that made everything awkward and terrifying. I believed that everything happening around me had nothing to do with me. I perceived that it was always happening “to” me, thus making it impossible to believe that I had any power to change anything about it.

I spent my entire life reacting to everything around me. I made choices based upon the fear and emotion I felt or feared to feel if I did or did not do something. That is a hell unto itself! Even as I write this now, I see that so much of this is still very much a part of my life. Though I have to say it's appearance is much more subtle these days which makes it even more difficult to see...especially when I was so sure it wasn't there anymore.

For the majority of my life, the chains within the neurological fight or flight response gave me just enough rope to believe that I was free. Panic and adrenaline are the core fuel within survival mode. Once those feelings pass, it's easy to mistake the calm for peace when it is not peace at all. It's just the absence of reacting. All it takes is something else to happen that activates my body and without warning the “peace” I was certain I had is gone, and I am flared up into full force, thrust head first into raw intensity before I even realize what has just happened.

I have spent a lifetime entangled in symptoms like a needle in a haystack. My “triggers” had triggers in the never ending insanity of emotions, feelings and the stories I lived telling myself just so I could have the strength to keep putting one foot in the other. Living like that made it impossible to become untangled as long as I kept on moving. 

I see it now as more like what happens when you slip your fingers in Chinese handcuffs. The more you pull, struggle, twist, yank, and resist, the tighter the grip and hold becomes. It isn't until reaching the point of exhaustion from trying everything possible that every ounce of strength faded and I was finally rendered limp like a wet dishrag. I see now that only in my exhausted surrender could the very thing I was so determined to force myself free from let go of me!

Living Life Limitlessly!

Over the weekend I learned that my youngest daughter is not living with her dad right now. I would give anything to be able to be with her and now she isn't with me and she isn't at home with them! They sent her to a place that could help her because she was doing things that my youngest son said, “You wouldn't even believe it because nobody ever would have thought that she would ever be doing things like that.” He didn't go into detail and I didn't ask because I will never put him in the middle of having to share with me anything that he doesn't freely want to. We spoke for nearly an hour and a half! I don't think we have spoken like that for longer than I'd like to admit! I am so proud of him after all that he has had to endure and overcome!

I feel so helpless because my little girl needs me in her life and there is nothing I can do legally since I don't have custody of her. Today I wept, overwhelmed by all of the amazing things that continue unfolding into my life. My little angel is in so much pain and emotion and now not even with her dad. Her dad's girlfriend is nearly 6 months pregnant now and when I found out that she was pregnant I truly was so happy for them! I am hopeful that this time around he will be able to do for her during her pregnancy what he didn't during mine. Its been nearly 4 years since either my ex husband or his girlfriend have been willing to speak to me and I don't know why so I continue to keep them in my prayers, believing that every day we are one day closer to resolution.

Even though they won't speak to me and won't let me see my children, I have found great  peace in knowing that the God who made me, the maker of all life and the one who gave my children to me in the first place, is their true Father...and I know beyond any doubt that no matter what it looks like and no matter how painful it is for things to be the way they are right now that He has everything all under control. I know that it won't always be this way and so I continue doing everything I have been created to do right here, right now with all of my heart and soul because I know that in His time, everything will be restored just as He always intended it to be. 

It is tempting to wonder how much of my daughters outcry and acting out has been because my ex husband's girlfriend, no matter how good she is to my children, she is not me. Add her pregnancy on top of everything and my daughter not being able to be watched 24 hours a day its not hard to understand why they would need help with her. I'm thankful that she is safe and getting the help she needs, but the pain of what she is going through is something I am having to consciously choose to trust my Lord with...after all He is the one who gave her to me, and He has not brought us this far to let go now. 

I may sob because the pain feels like more than I can bear, but as my tears pour like rain, the pain is released, hope is restored and my faith is ignited in a deeper way than I ever could have dreamed is possible. This is my life. I have been groomed and trained, taught from the heart of my Master, Lord of All and my Savior for such a time as this. For the very first time in my entire life I am grounded in the soil of all that Heaven is, and no longer defined by all of the wreckage that lies behind me from a life that has been laid to rest forever in the moment that I died and was reborn into the life called now. 

I decided to go for a walk at French Park. It was such an incredibly beautiful day on Saturday that I couldn't resist. I wanted to write, but I needed to be outside in the breath and heartbeat of nature. I love French Park because I used to take my children there to play when they were little. I had no idea that there were so many trails that continue leading me on incredible adventures into a beautiful forest right in the middle of the hustle and bustle of suburbia.

I decided to park somewhere different than I usually do. I have noticed my tendency to be predictable and follow the same way just because it is familiar and comfortable. So I purposely parked somewhere that was close to a trail I had never taken before. When I pulled up into the upper lot there was a sign that said “Wedding” and I thought how amazing it is that on such an incredible day two lives became one with all of creation surrounding them to celebrate them.

It was chilly in the shade so I found a trail on a hill that I have walked by several times never daring to venture off to explore. My life ever since I was a little girl has been all about the life of the adventure. I used to go off into the woods hoping to get lost, but somehow even if I had no idea where I was going I always ended up finding my way back home. My walk on Saturday was just like that! I went out to spend time with just me, God, and all of my glorious angels. I find that I am most alive in the places in nature where I feel like I am the only one here on this planet. For the time that I am wandering curiously through the pathways and those less traveled, it is in the whispering breeze that I feel wrap around every part of my body that awakens everything within me. Its more than just an incredible experience. It's like my body, my soul and my spirit are one and it feels like I am “home!”

I think that is the one thing that has ushered in the greatest healing, revelation and my awareness of just how intricately connected we are with everything and everyone. In the presence of nature there is a powerful exchange that happens. I give off the very element that they need to live, and I receive life sustaining oxygen in return. It is like the ebb and flow of life. Without each other we fail to thrive and life becomes nothing more than the mere suffocation of existence. With my feet planted firmly on the ground I am refilled with the very life recalibrating vibration that every cell in my body desperately needs.

There is something deeper though that I remembered as I was walking. I allowed myself to get so caught up in the moment, feeling that the air sweeping across my face were the kisses of my Heavenly Father and all of creation rejoicing that I came out to play! I looked for the places that I could walk that would lead me into places I had never been before. The thrill I felt inside was so exciting! I breathed deeply and held it in because I wanted to be able to give all of me to everything around me in the wake of my exhale. Some may think that I'm silly and that's totally ok. So much of life is spent busily engaging in the rat race of “have to, need to, and should” where life's obligations and desires are so much on the forefront of our thoughts that we miss the very life within life.

I was thinking of my walk as I would if I were to get together with a very close friend. I didn't see the trees and cattails or anything as just beautiful pieces of nature along the paths. I saw everything as all the friends that were patiently waiting for me to come and visit. I found my way toward a cluster of the most beautiful birch trees and overlooking a nearly dried up stream I saw a tree with a long branch that I could crawl up on to sit for a while. So I did!

I could feel the energy pulsing through my entire body and I tipped my head back in the sun as if to surrender to the flow of life within and all around me. I was letting all of the dark sadness and anything that was interested in anything other than basking in the beauty and majesty of the moment. I was thanking God for the magnificence of all He is and has created.

I sat with my head tilted back to feel the wind fluttering across my face and it felt like the trees were communicating with each other and everything else through the sounds they made with every branch that creaked. It was like they were making rhythmic beats as the wind wrapped in and out of their branches pulling and pushing each branch in its own way. It was amazing to witness just how independent each branch really is while continuing to be attached and part of the tree as a whole! It felt more like I was listening to a symphony being played by natures orchestra than just sitting up on a tree limb.

I watched the branches swaying this way, then that way and in that moment I recalled a story I heard many years ago. How it is the wind that causes the trees to thrive, become deeply rooted, and grow strong and able to withstand the weathering of time. A group of scientists got together and built a bio dome type environment that would keep the evironment controlled and constant, thus making the elements totally "perfect." There were no storms, no winds, and nothing that would “rock the boat” within their created “world.” However it didn't take long for the trees to begin to wither and die setting off a chain "eco" reaction that turned their perfect environment into a death trap.

What they discovered was this...without the wind, the trees and eco system are unable to develop the very strength and elements necessary to grow, nourish and sustain. It is the buffeting that actually builds the core and creates the ability to endure and persevere. Without the adversities and winds, the tree would never be able to become deeply rooted and it would fall over underneath the force of it's own weight and size.

As I sat there I reflected over my life with fresh eyes. My life has been filled with the winds of life's hurricanes and earthquakes that have shaken me over and over until everything within me finally came crashing down and nothing remained standing. In the end my ego lied buried deep within the smoldering rubble, and there was nothing left of me except the dust of who I used to be. But just as the Phoenix rises from the ashes, my Lord, my Savior knows just who He created me to be, and He raised me to new life! He continues sculpting me with the nutrient filled clay, taken from those very same ashes that no longer hold me in the shape or the form of all I used to be. The fires that burned me from within, refined me, purified me and gave me new life.

Sitting high up on the tree branch I was visualizing that process, (the death of the “me I used to be”) when I was drawn into the beautifully changing leaves fluttering on the trees all around me. Vibrant reds, oranges and the most brilliant shades of mustard captured me and in a moment I was swept away in the awe of such beauty...and then it hit me that the beauty was only possible because the tree was preparing to sleep for a long winter. It is an accelerated process that is as death...the loss of that season of its life, and there is nothing it can do except yield as its beautiful leaves fade from green into breathtaking shades of the rainbow before everything so luscious and beautiful that once clothed the tree falls to the ground, leaving it naked, totally exposed, and as if it were never beautiful at all.

There have been so many seasons in my life where I can honestly identify with the full circle that reveals how life gives way to death, and death is nothing more than the gateway where true, new life abounds. Just as with the tree when it goes to “sleep” and looks totally dead, unfruitful and barren, it is only a matter of time before it will stretch its limbs, embrace the light and begin once again. The tree never contemplates how it will live or what it is going to do once all of its leaves are stripped away. It simply awakens to the day, recharges throughout the night giving us the vital oxygen that we need and takes in all of our waste and toxicity. In the fullness of all it has been created to be, it takes in what would otherwise cause death, and gives us life. So it is with us. In being who we are created to be, the joy, love, gratitude, compassion, empathy and connection within us purifies the pain, emptiness, isolation, hopelessness, and disconnection making us stronger within to bear the heaviness all around us.

I remember having a conversation with someone dear to my heart over this past summer and she and I were talking about the differences between our experience with physical pain. I was just beginning to have relief with my chronic back pain that I had been living with for nearly 3 ½ years and she was completely unable to relate because for all of her life she has been healthy, strong, and totally unphased by any sort of physical limitation. I was happy for her because she had never gone through such terrible things, but I was also sad because I understood how difficult it would be to relate to people who had gone through things that were beyond understanding if you never did.

In that moment, I was able to find great thankfulness for everything I have ever been through and experienced throughout my life! Suddenly it became clear to me that it is impossible to have true empathy and understanding for others without having experienced things that rock your world in your own life. I was able to see all of the horrifying circumstances as blessings because I realized that every adversity, loss, and pain are the greatest gifts I have ever been given! 

My nightmares became my miracles and I have never been the same because no matter how much better the pain is whether physical, emotional or both, I am never so far beyond my circumstances that I can't remember just what it felt like and how everything once looked deep in the despair in my life. Even more amazing to me is how sharing the cold, hard truth of just how things really were has given me the ability to communicate and even more than that, I finally live life knowing what it took to move beyond the confines of a living hell and journey into the paradise of Now. 

I was sitting high upon the tree branch, swinging my legs and bouncing when the sun began to set. In that moment I felt like I never wanted it to end, but instead of being saddened that it would soon be dark I chose to remind myself that it never has to end even when its over! Many times this week already I have traveled through those woods in my mind, in my memory and suddenly I feel in this moment the same thrill and joy that I did when I physically went there! 

It's incredible how powerful we have been created to be! Our brain doesn't know how to distinguish between what is "real" and an image of thought or a photograph. It interprets them both the same...so I have learned to use this to change my feelings and in the process I have discovered that if I can recognize I am thinking or "seeing" something that is bringing my feelings down, that I can recall places I've been that bring my joy and visualizing the experience actually makes me feel the same feelings even though I am not there at all...God has created us in His image and His likeness...we are not powerless, we are powerful beyond measure. 

He loves it when we see and experience life in the most epic ways that are only possible when we dare to explore and live the adventure with Him and each other. I love you Jesus for all that you are and I thank you for making it more than possible to live life limitlessly! I love you!!!

Rewritten

I have spent my entire life hoping and praying for all of my dreams to come true. Even when they were sitting right in front of my face, I never really knew it because I was so absorbed with my idea of them that I missed the very magnificence of Heaven here on earth.

I was so consumed with being loved and living in the past unable to see beyond the memories of never being loved that I never let in the love that was given to change my life.

My heart aches to realize so many memories and years later, that I am the only reason that my life has ever been less than amazing. Even when amazing was in my arms, I didn't believe. I couldn't stop turning everything into the very same thing over and over again, though everyone was completely different from each other. I am the common denominator in the heart of all that has been lost. Remembering opens my heart to seeing that nothing is as I thought. Ever!

The things that I fought my hardest to be free from are the very things that have saved my life, and continue to bring me closer to understanding myself, and learning how to unlearn everything that I have learned throughout my life. I used to think that was impossible and sounded ridiculous but I am learning that as I dump all of the old, the things that were real always remain for they are deeply rooted and secure within the foundation that I am built upon. As for the rest, the clearing has been great and there is much that is still waiting to be discovered. I look forward to every moment as I am able to write as all has been, and continue day by day in the beauty of all that is being rewritten within my heart.

Returning Home

Here I am Lord

Once again, standing before you with arms open wide

Please restore me

O my king

For I've fallen away from you

Please reach down into my heart

Take my life and make me brand new

For I let you down

When I fell off of this course in my life

You are so faithful Mighty King

You're the ruler over everything

Take my sins and cast them as far as the east is from the west

I fall before you

And I adore you

As I lay here on my face

I know I've let you down and hurt you so

I can’t bear this anymore

Once I loved you so much

That I knew I’d die without you

Then I fell into that sinful place

In that disgrace

I thought that I’d lost you from my life

The agony and torment of living a life

Without you to hold me

Is more than I can bear

I've been a prodigal for far too long now

Daddy will you still care?

God you’re my father

The love of my life and there is no way

That I can make it another day without you

Your faithfulness amazes me

How no matter where I go or what I do

That you’re still right here loving me and waiting

Ever so patiently for me to open my eyes

And

See you with my heart

It feels to me like an eternity has already passed

Since I've seen you or felt you in my life

But that is my fault for stepping off course

And getting all messed up inside

Here comes your prodigal, dirty, scraped, torn, shattered, and scared!

Scared of the hopelessness I feel in my spirit without you inside of me

Terrified of taking one more step or another breath

Without returning home to you

It’s been far too long

And I’m afraid that I am far too gone

To ever have you love me again-

Then I remembered your faithfulness and love are unfailing

And that it wasn't your love that changed, but mine

I weep from the bottom of my soul

Missing you and needing to give you full control

Of my mind and my life

But I've forgotten just how to do that daddy

I used to pray and I lived to spend time with you

You were my life

Then I took my eyes off of you

And I sunk

Just as Peter did in the midst of the storm

But he got up, and I haven’t yet

Oh how I want to daddy!

Here is my hand

Please take hold of me

Lay me in your secret place

So I can be healed and sheltered from this storm

For you see the winds are blowing

And overtaking me

The waters are rising and drowning me

Pulling me far beneath them, and I can’t breathe!

You’re my only hope my precious Lord

And I am sorry that it has taken me so long to return

But you see I've been ashamed

Just as Adam and Eve were in your garden

Then I was afraid that you’d cast me out …
until I remembered once again

That your faithfulness and love do not change or grow weary

So it was then that I started to make my way back to you

It’s been dark within me and hard to see

Where you are is the only place that I want to be

In your presence is the only place I will ever find peace

And it’s there that I know you will restore me!

I am weary from my sins and my heart has been so tattered

The enemy kept me longer than I wanted to stay

And took me places that I never wanted to go

…Left me shattered

I can’t imagine the pain and suffering that I've caused you

You've watched carefully my every move

Waiting for me to just call on you

And

The tears that you have cried because you've missed me

Are all too much for me to even grasp-

Why didn't you just wipe me out?

You could have, but you haven’t

Which makes me believe that all of this that I've gone through

And all the pain that I've endured

Will serve a purpose and give you glory one day

I need you to come to my rescue

For I’m not strong enough to take one more step

I’m so ashamed of the things that I've done

And all of the lives that have been affected

Please forgive me my precious Heavenly Father

For choosing my own way over yours

I humbly come before you broken and ready

To be placed upon your potter’s wheel

I don’t know what that will mean right now

But I do know that I surrender to give you full control

And that whatever pain it will cause me by being on your wheel

That it couldn't compare to the pain that I've endured

Being apart from you

Lord please bandage my wounds

Use your healing salve of Love to make them clean

Wrap me up tightly and lay me next to your heart

Hold me close and let me feel the beating of your heart

Next to mine

Then hide me away in your secret place

The place where I am filled, healed, protected, loved, cleansed,

And

Made whole again

Take my heart and wash it in the precious blood of your son Jesus

Give me a new life though I am undeserving

Where my heart will be reshaped with your love

And made brand new

As if I had never fallen

Take my ashes and give me your beauty

Then mold me, shape me, and make me 

Into what you would have me to be

My hearts desire is to hear your voice and to shine with your love,

To see things through your eyes, be broken with the things that break your heart

And

To walk in the truth of your spirit

That has always been my hearts desire daddy

And I’m sorry that I fell away from you until now

But you promised to restore my life from the inside out

And I’m taking you at your word!

For you have said

No eye has seen

Nor ear has heard

All of the good things that you have in store

For those who love you

And Father I just want you to know

That more than anything else in this world,

I LOVE YOU!

I can hear it now…

I hear the music playing just for me

Here you come running out to me

And you've clothed me in a robe of your righteousness

You wrap your arms tightly around me

Weeping and laughing

Welcoming me home once again

From that journey that now you've forgiven me for taking

All of Heaven is rejoicing at my return

and it will be now as though I never left!

Authored by: Elizabeth Walker 

The Tatoo of Transformation

As I have been working on writing a book about the story of my life there are so many events wrapped into many different seasons that have all been epic and pivotal. I have been writing in many journals throughout these past few years and I am amazed as I read what I have documented and expressed within every step that has taken me forward, back, around, into and through the roads that have led me inward before allowing me to emerge into the world that is all around me.

I cross the full gamut of emotions when I read what I have poured out onto the pages that hold my life's greatest sorrows, joys, and inventions. These have become an ever evolving map. This map of my life reminds me of all that was, is and is filled with the hope of all that is to come as long as I continue to believe and hold fast to the one who made me. For He is the one responsible for this trans-formative metamorphosis, and it is His signature that is tattooed within every fiber of my being.

I am living proof that anything is possible! I have lived a life so utterly despicable and in such depths of darkness for most of my life where there was no light. The only times where even glimpses of possibility flickered were usually in the altered states of emotion induced by drugs or alcohol, and sometimes both. Once the buzz or euphoria faded, so did the hope that appeared like a hologram in the brief thawing of my frozen heart.

This past 5 years has been a whirlwind that has ripped everything I thought I was apart and has stripped away everything that made it nearly impossible for me to find an opening to begin my journey into the center of myself. I'm pretty sure that this is the real journey to the center of the earth! I have written about my days within each season and what it has held for me. It has been terrifying, dangerous, breathtaking, and unfamiliar, but I have been able to capture the true essence of all that I am certain I would never have been able to remember. I have been able to capture the crazy (R)evolution of my life, my process, the crossing of insanity and the journey back.

I read the pages I have written and find myself immersed within the story that is my life. There are moments of great pain and I weep, there are moments of great joy for what I have been able to realize, accept, and that also makes me weep. There are stories I have captured that make me giggle so hard that I almost cry and then there are the pages that hold all of the begging, pleading and whining as I was undergoing many emotional deaths...even more amazing are the pages that follow and illuminate the process of resurrection where I have died to the bondage's and demands of my ego and false self, only to be raised up from those ashes into the experience of true freedom from none other than me!

Then there are the pages that I had written at earlier times so full of clarity, insight and revolutionary wisdom that was absolutely poured into me from the heart of Heaven. In some of my greatest struggles I would grab one of my journals and randomly open it and to my amazement, what I read clearly gave me exactly what I needed to pull myself out of whatever I was going through that was so difficult! But it reminds me that I am never so far along this journey that I am immune to having to practice all I have learned if I want to continue having success and be able to master me.

I have been my own worst enemy in my life and I find that its in the times when I feel like I am so certain that I “don't do that anymore” that I am prone to some sneaky subconscious process and old way of doing things to slip in nearly undetected. It is especially important for me to maintain order and consistency because otherwise the chaos around me will spin me inside and in the moments of overwhelming busyness all that used to be my “default” tries to kick in. It seems that being busy tends to take me out of being present. Not being present is an unconscious existence, and that can be catastrophic depending on how long it takes me to realize that I am “off” and return to where I left myself.

Sometimes what's even more difficult for me is when I come face to face with everything I have done my best to avoid having to do since I was young and realizing that just because I distract or go off in a different direction doesn't mean that it is going to go away and leave me alone. Having to learn how to do things now seems much more overwhelming to me because of all of the thoughts that do their best to invade my process dangling reminders clothed in the form of “should have's and if only.” That has always been a dangerous place for me to go because of the guilt and shame that has always followed close behind.

Being 41 trying to learn how to be healthy seems much more difficult than if I would have just decided to take an interest in myself when I was still in High School or when I moved out to live on my own. However, I was not mentally healthy then. I am certain that until I finally became well in my mental and emotional health that anything I would have done physically also would have suffered. Its almost like now that I have been deconstructed from the inside and remade, now the outside of my house (my body) is finally able to be primed, cleansed, and re-sculpted as if for the very first time.

I am in way over my head and though I can swim, I am struggling. I’m usually able to see clearly and yet I wonder if that's true then how in the world can everything feel so dark and hazy. What I am experiencing right now is more than just emotional. It is nearly inescapable within my body physically. It is also as emotional as it is physical. The resistance within is throwing everything off and my body is crying out in ways that it hasn’t in what seems like forever. I have come to the place where I am face to face with the me I am, the me that I used to be and the me I hope to become. The me I used to be grew up rooted in the fear of punishment and withholding based upon what I did or did not do.

That “me” was shaped and formed by the church doctrines that I am still finding myself struggling to be free from because they operate on what seems to be the subconscious ingraining which is so automatic and habitual because it was “wired” within me from the time I was 10 months old all the way through my life.

I just want to be totally real about where I am in my journey and how I am navigating this thing we call life. It seems that just as the oceans have tides and currents, so it is with life. I am finding that no matter how much I have learned and overcome or stopped doing along the way because I learned how to choose differently instead of trying to not do something anymore that life happens in waves and seasons of tides that are coming in and drawing back out again. 

When the tides of my life are coming in sometimes it happens so gradually that it is almost unnoticeable until I am almost in over my head and being pulled backwards by the force underneath when I am giving all I’ve got to keep moving forward. I resist the very periods of being pulled backward and out of what looks like balance and consistency. I forget more than I remember it seems just how important all phases of the tides and waves in life are. They are the breath of life that cause expansion and then create room through the release that so many times feels and looks more like loss than anything healthy or productive. 

I am not here to write pretty words that make me feel good or anyone else feel all warm and fuzzy. That used to be my agenda. But all of that has changed. Don’t get me wrong, I love lifting people up and living the hope that burns within everything I am. 

 

I have come to believe so strongly that Love is the only choice that makes the impossible possible that I have chosen to let everything go that is not love…even when the letting go feels anything other than loving. This has been the most excruciating journey. Though I know with all of my heart there will be a point of completion, the truth is that I am in the heart of the greatest nightmare and miracle that is beyond my wildest imaginations. The truth is that I never would have imagined this road twisting and dropping off as it has along the way, and I was so certain that by now I was going to be in a place that looks nothing like what any of my life looks like at this moment.

I cling to the hope that no matter how it looks and feels right now, it won’t always be this way. And then I stop myself like now and ask, “What if everything did stay just as it is, then what?” I think even asking that question I can feel my resistance because I have been living my life for the grand design of my Heavenly Father who is my everything and surely He has amazing plans for my life…for all of our lives. 

 

What I have experienced over these past 5 ½ years has not only rocked my world because of everything I have gone through and endured along the way, it has rocked my world because I have been witness to and experienced life fully immersed within the incredible nature of God and a savior that have more often than not been so much cooler and candid than anything I was ever taught about them when I was growing up and even as an adult. 

So much of my life right now feels like I have again become entangled within the web of religious rules and traditions that I have experienced the freedom from in a way that changed my entire life. Its been a very long time since I have become so wrapped up in the heavy, nearly indescribable fear that is somehow lurking deep within me. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve learned. It is not a discipline thing. It strikes me physically and I am gripped by the hands of hyper vigilance. To me, it doesn’t matter what label it has, fear, anxiety, hyper vigilance, trauma…I am beginning to see that it seems to be rooted in my expectations which I thought I really moved beyond. 

Even more than that, when I stop choosing without realizing that I have, I begin reacting to everything going on all around me, and the tormenting grips of indecision and questioning what I am supposed to do end up taking over.

I have committed to being real, honest, and totally authentic with myself and everyone else. This is who I have learned to be. The problem I am facing though is one that I am certain finds form in what is called ego or my false self. My false self is all about image and having to “have it all together” and “have learned so much” that before I even realize what is happening I am withdrawing from within myself and that slowly trickles into everything. 

What’s even worse is I end up feeling like others are judging me and looking at me funny when the truth is that I am actually judging myself and looking at myself funny. It only looks like it is everyone else. They are only reflecting back to me what I am unwilling to see going on inside of me. This totally sucks because it feels crappy and I would rather not feel sad and scared. Then the dangling reminders of how I was taught all of my life that if I am afraid it means that I don’t have faith ends up causing me to judge myself even more harshly because “I know better.” 

 

Or do I? 

 

For the first time in my life a couple of Saturday's ago I said something out loud to a friend of mine that I never would have even dared to speak out loud to another human being at any other time in my life. 

 

I told her that it occurred to me that it’s quite possible that everything I think I know is wrong! That is one of the most terrifying places I’ve ever been because it brings me right up against everything I was taught for pretty much my whole life. To be honest, everything I was taught growing up was all founded in fear anyway. Fear is the thread that has been within every part of my life and when I wasn’t afraid of the dark anymore, all it did was change form and become something else.

My conflict is that I have learned that life is so much more than what I am being right now, and sadly it’s like I can’t even access any of the things that have effectively made it possible for me to get here. About 2 weekends ago I went to a church retreat about discernment and I went in believing that I was on top of things when it came to discerning in my life. 

 

Three days later the conference ended and I was overwhelmed by the mess I felt like suddenly enveloped in a mass wave of fear that ushered in unexpected panic. I thought I was going the “right” direction and suddenly I was hit with feeling like everything I believed was totally off and I had no idea! 

So I chose not to run from the pain I was feeling emotionally and I was not going to try to distract from it either. I chose to be with myself in the condition I was in which is pretty exhausting because I have experienced what it is to have every day be beyond words amazing and full of joy and awe. I have found that I don’t have to feel like crap and that shifting my attention to all that Love is and recalling things that brought me happiness can change everything I feel, see, and do, faster than most cars go 0-60! 

So I was miserable and choosing to be in the fullness of all that is because I know that it was happening for a reason and that it is teaching me more about myself. It is revealing things that are still very alive inside of me and as ugly as it feels, being able to be real and raw in my life and experience continues to be a gateway that leads to places beyond my wildest imaginations. It is in this darkness that I have been able to hold fast to the light that is inside of me…even when it looks like it has gone out.

I guess if I am willing to be totally naked in my life and let it all hang out, I see that I have gotten a little too used to the darkness inside this cocoon. Sometimes not being able to see what is really in front of me can be a form of ignorant bliss because in the dark it’s much easier to hold onto my own ideas and visions that have been the color and hope within my world than to try and see beyond the mountainous obstacles that interfere with my hopes and dreams only to litter my reality. 

I am coming face to face with the me I was never willing to grow up and become and the one that I have always dreamed I would be one day. Though it seems like these 2 are two totally different people, they are not. They are both making each other possible because they are me. One is the me I have been and am, and the other is what is possible if I will only set aside my own grandiose ideas and dig into my own life to face all of the things I have spent my life avoiding.

Then something incredible happened today while I was driving to Lifetime Fitness and in a moment, the ordinary became extraordinary! There was a large construction sign on the left side of 42^nd street in Crystal and it said, “Thank you for your patience” …at that moment it was like God letting me know that no matter what it looks like or feels like, that He is proud of how I am patiently navigating through this process with Him. I barely finished my thought when the most radiant orange Monarch butterfly flew at the middle of my windshield from the right side of the road! It made me nearly unzip my skin and go all alien because I could barely contain the joy of just how He is always with me in every step; and just because I may feel I’m not doing enough or unsure if anything I’m doing is making Him happy with me, I am reminded that He has never seen things the way we do. That is so incredible that words don’t even begin to do it justice!

I have been in the darkness of my cocoon for some time, but I understand now that this pressure and intensity is only preparation for when I am ready to emerge with wings of my own that will allow me to soar as I never could before. Not long ago I learned that when caterpillars go into their cocoon in the process of metamorphosis they become totally liquefied…crazy huh?! 

 

But just as with the Butterfly, we will never know just what we have been created to become without the season inside the cocoon that completely and irreversibly changes all we once were. Even more difficult to understand sometimes is the process of emergence. Wings have to dry before its possible to fly...and if anyone helps the butterfly out of the cocoon, it will die for it is the strength developed in the process of exiting the cocoon that gives the butterfly the wherewithal to fly! So it is with us if we are willing to “go it alone” even though we're never alone! Thank you for sharing my journey and taking your time to read my blog! I love you and God loves you more than anything!