As
I am writing about the things that have happened in my life, I find that in
recounting the memories step by step, it continues to produce a
strong physiological effect. As the intensity of content increases,
so does my heart rate. I can feel my heart beginning to beat faster
and then I can feel it in my neck thumping like a bunny running a
race.
Well
I am running a race, but I have learned and continue to have nearly
infinite opportunities to recognize that this race I am running is
not like any other kind of race. For this race has already been won
long before I arrived. This race is not a sprint, but a race of
endurance and skill. It is a race filled with alternate paths that
have never been traveled. Running this race is not about winning a
medal as you do in the Olympics, though the prize is far greater for
those who finish.
I
am realizing that with every step I take, I finish for I continue to
keep my eyes and my heart upon the love of my life who is with me, my
Lord. In taking every step I take, He feels the burn and the ache of
exhaustion at the very same time I do, and when I win, He wins! Each
moment is a moment of completion. A step that has been made and now
lies behind us. Yet, as long as we are training for this race of
life, we may tread upon the very places again and again that we have
once upon a time in what is called and labeled “Past.”
Every
step that I have felt moving me backward as I give all I am to
advance through everything that comes is simply another grand and
precious opportunity for me to see and discover something new that I
missed when I traveled this road before. Though things appear to be
redundant and the same old same old been there, done that experience,
nothing is the same because I recognize that I have never been the
person that I am within this moment before!
Which
brings me to what I intended to share when I started writing this. As
I am detailing things about my life when I was 11 years old living in
South Carolina with my dad and my aunt, I can see the words I write
as they play like the scene upon a big movie screen.
Though
these moments are labeled memories and past, as I replay them to
capture the greatest and most accurate detail as I possibly can, I am
experiencing the physical feelings as if I were right there in that
very situation all over again like it is was the very first time.
I
am finding myself holding my breath and having to remind myself to
breathe because I don’t even realize as I am writing that my body
is somewhat on autopilot. The internal pain and reminders of the
severity of traumas as well as the amazing joyful moments continue to
send physical chemical releases into my body in this moment of time
which makes the past actually become the present.
For
it is in this moment of time where I am somewhere else in thought,
but present physically sitting on my bed with my back leaning against
the wall; thus I am in 2 places at the same time that I am
consciously aware of right now.
I
find myself so amazed at how easy it is to be 11 years old all over
again as I remember-even though in my physical body I am 40 years
old. I am in awe at the power of thought and memory. I am in awe at
how without even realizing it, the moment I bring a thought from the
past into the place where I am right now, that without even realizing
it, my body is responding to everything I am thinking. I first
noticed that my heart beat began to pump harder and with that, my
shoulders began tightening and pushing upward to stiffen my neck.
I
could feel myself getting so hot to the point that I can feel myself
sweating and radiating heat like I am out in the sun, when I am not.
My fingers began stiffening and it is taking a very conscious effort
to stay typing even though I am beginning to feel drained
emotionally. Instead of my fingers gliding over the keyboard in a
very rhythmic effortless way, suddenly everything is choppy and I
find I am making many spelling mistakes that I stop the flow in order
to go back and correct.
The
more I can feel my heart beating faster, the faster my fingers begin
to try to type, and that wouldn’t normally present a problem, but
in this circumstance, my fingers are speeding up trying to keep up
with my thoughts that have begun to move faster as I write about
events from my childhood.
In
the middle of writing something very intense for me about my aunt
spanking me when I was 11, my mom called and I found myself irritable
and moody, wishing to myself that I didn’t have to talk to her
right now because I am all emotional and processing everything that I
have just been writing.
As
I redirected my thoughts to be totally present to my mom’s every
word in our short conversation, I began to physically feel everything
beginning to fade. I purposely sat on the sofa and propped my feet
up. Maybe that helped with the intensity of my heart rate. As I
talked to her, I focused on speaking to her in a tone of voice that
was not rude or moody even though I still felt both of those things.
As
I stayed present and my intention was to simply focus on my mom and
picturing in my mind what she was talking about, without any effort,
the “movie” my mom was helping me to play effortlessly took the
place of the one that had become a traumatic replay of something that
happened 29 years ago and just like a train switches tracks along its
route, the feelings I was having in my body began to relax and I
found feelings of peace begin to flow through my body as if someone
were holding a pitcher of peace and joy and bliss above my head and
slowly pouring it from the top of my head until it flowed down
throughout every part of my body inside and outside.
My
breathing has become deeper, and I am feeling my shoulders and arms
relaxing. Thinking about the conversation with my mom has turned from
one that made me feel crabby to being able to choose to hold the most
recent conversation with her at the forefront of my thoughts. It
feels much better to think about the things that just occurred in
both scenarios because I am able to see as I consciously choose what
I will think of in a moment where I am feeling emotional and don’t
even realize it, I have discovered that I do not have to feel crummy!
In
the time it took for me to move from a thought that was making me
physically uncomfortable, I was able to feel the immediate transition
that brought me from crabby to experiencing peace faster than any
medicine.
I
continue to be amazed and intrigued to the point of fascination about
the actual power we hold within ourselves. I never would have
believed in a million years that I could go from something that made
me feel like screaming at the nearest person to me to a state of
peaceful bliss where I am smiling again and filled with hopefulness
and excitement! It didn’t just happen though. And I didn’t expect
that it was someone elses job or duty to make me feel better or
lighten my mood.
I
have just witnessed for myself how intense painful experiences can
change from broken hopelessness to thankfulness and inspiration at
the will of thought. I continue to discover that no matter what I
feel and no matter how uncomfortable it is to revisit things from my
past, to go there and allow myself to feel and experience whatever
comes up for me is necessary in order to diffuse the hold of the
painful reminder of something that is easy to believe is over and
done with and nothing can ever be done to change it.
Three
days ago while I was talking with my therapist she told me that this
process actually has a name! It is called Exposure Therapy.
Which
means in order to get beyond a memory or situation that hurts you so
badly or infuriates you to the point that you want to hurt them the
way that they hurt you, you will need to revisit it. The more you
focus your thoughts onto something painful, the more you are shining
the light of your heart onto it. The more you go there to replay it
for yourself, the more it begins to lose its intensity and hold on
you. It is like desensitization except I continue to learn that by
doing this enough, it doesn’t just lessen the traumatic feelings
and leave you numb.
Something
magical happens! When I have chosen to go into the darkened places
within my heart that I was certain I would never be able to get over,
once I go there, it becomes easier and easier to continue going back.
It is like being a treasure hunter and you have the opportunity to
return to the place in time that people say is no longer possible to
go, and by playing the movie scene of a memory, it opens the screen
and that moment for you to find something that you missed before.
Initially
I was flooded with confusion to discover that the story I told myself
about the memory I had held onto so tightly all of my life didn’t
exactly happen the way I remembered it. Most of the time what I saw
or was able to unlock within the memory of what happened was very
slight, but my heart knew I was there to find the truth. I was there
to get answers so that I could let it let go of me. So the light of
love within my heart showed me what I couldn’t see before because I
didn’t want to.
The
more I returned, the more I felt the pain and could barely take the
agony of fear, anger and betrayal, or abandonment and rejection. But
each time I have been able to learn that I will see what I want to
see. As long as I was trying to be right or prove that whatever the
memory was is true, the more freedom eluded me. Once I came to the
place where I wanted to see where I was in the memory to know what my
part is/was within such a painful event, that is when I began to see
that there were many more pieces of the puzzle that I never even knew
were there.
By
going into those places within my heart, I am the one leading the
journey. I am the one in control. I can choose to leap or go back to
where I feel safe. I can choose what I want to see and I can know
that I am safe right now and trust that the answers are waiting for
me to come to where they are.
I
continue to find that as I replay and return to a memory it is like
taking it apart piece by piece. The puzzle that I see labeled a
memory is already put together. By taking one piece at a time and
looking at what lies before me and within my hand, I can begin to see
that each piece that was used to finish that particular puzzle, can
be reconstructed and put together again. Except as you take the
puzzle apart piece by piece, each piece that caused so much pain and
bitterness deep in the unreachable places of your heart, has just
been unplugged. It only has power if you decide to put it back in the
exact place where you found it.
Once
you see each piece for what it is, the distorted pieces of the puzzle
disappear. We have been given the amazing ability to create just as
our amazing Creator, for when he made us, He made us in His image and
likeness. When we don’t know that we have the ability to heal from
our pain we continue to hold onto the very toxicity that has
continued to shape life for us from the moment we were hurt.
No comments:
Post a Comment