I
continue to learn that the things that have been traumatic in
my life are all rooted deeply from far back in my childhood, and
along the way I have gotten so entangled within all of the “symptoms”
that I was never able to find my way through to the needle in the
haystack.
I
am determined to get this right with all of my heart! I am determined
to finish all that I have been created to do so that my life is an
example of what is possible even after falling so far and losing
everything including my sanity.
More
than just discovering all that is possible, I am sharing my journey
for I am the prodigal child who only by the grace of God has brought
me here. Together we continue living this legacy that was designed
before time ever began. I hope to be the hand that holds yours within
the darkest pain and walks with you into the light of love that
brings life and healing.
Writing
about my journey continues to be much like creating a map. When my
pain has been so great that I can’t even breathe it is a way to
find where I am at and then shows me which route is the
best to get me from where I am right now to where I want to go.
I
pray with all of my heart that you will allow the light of love to
lead you and show you the way as you travel to places within your
heart that you have never been before.
I
hope that by sharing what I have experienced throughout my life that
when you feel lost along the unfamiliar paths of your journey that
you will always find your way as long as you know
how to find your way back to you, for this is where our Heavenly
Father is. I spent the majority of my life looking out for the
direction and guidance because I was desperate to figure out which
way to go. I continue discovering that there is nobody else who can
tell me how to get to where I am called to be. For the voice of the
one who created me is within.
This
journey is one of learning to trust myself, accept myself for all I
am and everything I am not, and the willingness to believe that I am
the only one who truly knows what is best for me.
The
only way to see within the darkness is to shine a light. I want you
to know that you hold the light of love within your heart for you are
the light! So when things all around are spinning frantically out of
control and everything within is so noisy that you can't hear, the
light that is always within is the light that shows the way.
Without
my heart, without the love within it, I am not just blind or
confused, I am dead. It is the light of love that is brighter than
the sun that has brought me to life and this is the only reason I am
here today.
For
so much of my life it has been drilled into my mind that in order to
succeed or “be something” that I have to look outside of myself.
I don't know about you but I grew up believing that in order to
become someone and be worthy that I had to do what everyone else
tells me I am supposed to do. You know, grow up and go to college,
work 9-5 or longer, and save everything I make so that one day I
can retire and finally get a chance to do all of the things I never
did before because I was so busy being “responsible” or living
up to being everything I thought I were supposed to be for
everyone else.
I
am still learning when I get caught up in doing everything just
because it feels like I am “supposed to” that I will only get
more of what I have already had. I was not created to be just like
everyone else. In fact, I am absolutely certain that there is not
another person on the face of this earth who is just like me. Which
is why it is so important for me to be true to myself and to discover
what my heart holds. For within the soil of my heart are the dream
seeds that will grow until they become my reality. The seeds that
have been planted in my heart become the eternal harvests that will
just end up dying inside of me if I don't trust myself and listen to
the voice within.
After
all that I have done and that I have spent my life entangled by doing
wrong and being sick and perverted, I am the least deserving of
anything good. But thank God it's not about being good or being good
enough. It is all about the true heart of love and what has already
been done for each and every person who has ever lived or ever will
be.
I
am willing to share my story no matter how it makes me look to anyone
else or the judgments that people might be tempted to make about me
and the life I have lived. I know that it is a miracle that I am even
here able to write honestly everything I am sharing about my life. I
am going to honor my Lord and my Savior for all that they have
brought me through for I would not be here now without the saving
grace and mercy of Heaven's love. And this is the truth!
I
am here to share that we have all been created with every single tool
that we could ever need right here inside of us. I spent my entire
life looking out and hoping to get a glimpse of who I am and figuring
out what I was going to have to do to be great at something.
I
am still learning how to catch myself when I choose something that I
think I am “supposed” to do and then have the courage to stop
going in the direction that only takes me further away from my heart.
Because without my heart I am powerless. Without my heart I can do
nothing more than just go through the motions and I can't live with
that. I have discovered freedom is always one honest choice away and
the torment of indecision has cost me everything.
Outside
of my heart there is nothing except confusion, fear, anxiety that
feels more like the torment of panic, and even more than that,
outside of my heart, I am disconnected from myself. It is there that
I die inside while I am still walking around. But the amazing thing
is that through this journey I am discovering when I feel most alone,
totally confused and so afraid that I am paralyzed by my own
indecision, I am never alone. There are always clues and signs that
somehow find ways in the most ridiculously perfect times that gently
remind me (if I am willing to listen and see) where I am.
Even
when I continue moving in a direction that is leading me further from
my dream and miracle, eventually I will hear and see because I can't
ignore what is happening all around me. I remember that nothing good
has ever come from being afraid. In fact, my worst nightmares have
all happened because of the things I feared.
I
remember the prices that have been paid in my own life and in the
lives of everyone I love because of my unwillingness to open my
heart. I remember that where there is fear there is opportunity to
run from myself, or the opportunity to see myself. Rather than
looking out, this is all about opening your heart and looking inside
to find what has always been there waiting for you! Everything that
we will ever need is stored right within our heart! We were born
containing everything that we could ever need to bring us into the
places of greatest life. Our lives were never designed to be lived as
if we are on an assembly line being shaped by the same cookie cutter
that everyone else is made from. Where is the variety and interest in
being just like everyone else?
Everything
that has had the greatest impact within my life has sent me to new
heights beyond my wildest imaginations, or plummeting to unimaginable
depths deep within the darkness. When I have been brave enough to
explore a thought or a “hunch and idea” usually what I discover
has blown my mind, and ignited the flames of passion in my life which
have led me here. Along the way, I'm not going to lie, I totally get swept up
in the moments where my feelings are so magical and over the top. It
is the rush of life and hope and endless possibility. But when the
rush of feelings begins to settle down, reality is always standing
right by my side to “show me” none other than myself.
Usually
it is only then I realize that just because everything seemed like it
was unfolding so magically doesn't mean that the direction I just
went was necessarily the “right” one for me. It's hard to feel
like I am going the “wrong way” and still get caught up in how it
will look to everyone else if I “quit” or don't follow through
with what I started. I was in this very situation very recently. I
can tell you with all of my heart that I have sent myself spiraling
into places that I believed that I had been delivered from a long
time ago. I have learned oodles about myself and I am so thankful
because now I know what my weaknesses still are and also many
strengths that I never realized were strengths at all.
I
suppose that this is where the mastery of living comes into play. I
have learned how to be honest with myself and to choose because I can
live with it regardless of the outcome. That way I know that no
matter how things turn out, there is nobody else I can look out at or
point my finger at to blame. But even though I may not be pointing my
finger at someone else, I have found that sometimes I end up pointing my
finger at myself. The self judgment and harshness that I hurl at
myself is something that I am learning is so ugly and self
destructive. I may do my best not to judge others, but it is not any
better when I am unable to be gentle or forgive myself for all of the
things that I have chosen.
My
greatest conflict has always been within me. Yet, I have still been
desperately searching for a “sign” from anyone and anything to
confirm that I have finally made the “right” choice and am on the
right path. But how in the world am I supposed to ask anyone else to
show me the way when I am the only one who holds my hopes and dreams.
What
I do know is that I have been given a second chance to live my life
and I am so thankful. That's why I don't want to wait for a minute to
do everything that I have been created to do. However, because of my
desire to live this thankfulness I have found that I really have no
idea how to pace myself while making sure that I maintain the order
and healthy balance in my life. I have discovered that even too much
of a healthy thing can become unhealthy.
I
am doing so many things that I have never done before. I have never
been here as this person in my own life. I am experiencing
just how intense the emotions like fear and insecurity rush can be
when I am out of my comfort zone.
When
I am afraid, I am humbled to admit that the moment I get swept away
in the grips of fear and fearing the unknown the bottomless pit
within me opens up and faster than most cars go 0-60, suddenly the
warmth of the light that was shining so brightly just a moment before
feels like it dropped right out through the bottom of my feet and the
torment of fear feels like it is suffocating me from the inside out.
No
matter how much I learn, I am never “out of the woods” so to
speak. I know I have changed, but I know I am always one thought away
from the spiral of falling apart. I know it might sound extreme for
me to say that a single thought can lead someone to fall apart, but
the first thought always leads to another and then to another. Before
you realize that you have jumped aboard a negative thought train,
your thoughts speed up, and begin controlling every emotion that you
are feeling. This is exactly what was happening to me.
Negative
thoughts usually become victim thoughts and so often lead down the
road to the self pity that swallows me up inside. Thoughts are not
just “thoughts.” They hold creative power whether “good” or
“bad.” Being able to control your thoughts and choose what you
will think about isn't an automatic thing that just happens. It has
to be a conscious effort and sometimes it takes all I've got to stop
spinning in whatever it is I am thinking about because of the
powerful feelings and emotions that go along with the thoughts I am
having.
It
sounds like a common sense sort of thing that if you are feeling bad
because of the thoughts you are having then stop thinking about
whatever it is and think about something else that makes you feel
better. But there are so many thoughts that are happening all the
time whether we are aware of them or not that it is like we are on
autopilot. And for the most part, just going through everyday where
our thoughts seem to do the driving is essentially living on
autopilot. There is little choosing going on. Instead, there are all
of the thoughts both conscious and subconscious coming in and all to
often everything we are “choosing” is nothing more than a
reaction where we are responding to the thought or our thoughts about
the thoughts. That isn't really choosing at all even though it feels
like it is.
I
have learned over the past few years how to take the thoughts I have
and re-frame them. That has helped me to take the really horrible
thoughts, the negative thoughts, and thoughts that are riddled with
judgment and acknowledge what it really is. But instead I have
learned to take whatever is negative and find the perspective that
helps me to see whoever or whatever it is in a better light.
Doing
this has shown me that it is possible to live in Heaven while still
in the midst of hell. But the hell is not a physical place until I
create it. It is a state of mind that transforms everything I see,
feel and experience into a living nightmare. Everything is a choice
and its very humbling to find that just as I am one choice away from
falling, I am also only one choice away from rising, but I can't do
both at the same time.
What
I know for certain is that everything has always remained upon the
shelves of my heart until I choose to be courageous and willing to do
whatever it takes to break through the walls that I had spent so
long building around my heart thinking that would keep me safe.
I spent my life believing that those walls would protect me and keep me from getting hurt along the way. What I didn’t realize until it was almost too late, is that the very walls I spent my life building to protect me and keep me safe, became the very walls that imprisoned me.
long building around my heart thinking that would keep me safe.
I spent my life believing that those walls would protect me and keep me from getting hurt along the way. What I didn’t realize until it was almost too late, is that the very walls I spent my life building to protect me and keep me safe, became the very walls that imprisoned me.
What
I’m sharing with you are the tools, skills and experiences that
have brought me to life! Everything I am sharing with you now has
breathed life into my dead, stony cold, shattered heart, and raised
me to life through the light and power of all that love is!
What
I share with you is my map.
My map has become a book about my life, but I
am not writing another version of a self help, look what I did and
you should do it my way kind of book! This book is and continues to
be essential in my own healing process. As I write about things that
I have experienced, I am consciously and purposely “exposing”
myself to my trauma’s and pain.
I
have been told that doing this is actually called Exposure Therapy!
As
I read the words I write, and allow myself to be reminded of
what I have done, overcome and been liberated from, I am changed
again and again. So I am sharing with you the very things that I do
in my own life. Because I am living the proof of what is possible
when no matter how many times you get knocked down, feel like you're
out for the count, and all hope has faded to barely a thought of a
distant memory, that true life and freedom is all within reach!
I
have been given another chance because of our Creators love not
because I did anything to deserve it. In His example to me through my
own life, I finally know true love. I am finally learning what it
really means to love yourself and how every moment that I participate
is magical; though rarely “easy.”
I
am discovering that after 40 years of desperation and tragedy I have
been given the gift of love. That against all odds with all that I
have been through and everything I have caused that we have a creator
who loves us and His love was never dependent upon what we do or
don't do! He loves because He is love, and when He looks at us, the
greatest of all His creations, He sees His heart and the love of His
son within us for we are one.
This
is so amazing to me especially since the way I was raised in church
to believe how I should have been sent forever into the darkness for
everything I have done. Yet, love lives within me and I have never
been the same!
I
am hoping to share with whoever will listen that it doesn't matter
just how “bad” you have lived your life because I have been the
worst as a wife, mother, friend, and basically just as a human. It is
all about willingness and the awesome saving power of all that love
is and what has already been done for every one.
Though
in the world of physics like attracts like, it is all of the things
about us that “compliment” each other that hold us in
relationship with each other. It wasn't until just a few years ago
that I finally understood what it means to be complimentary. That
changed my life in an instant and it also completely contradicted
everything I had ever been taught about the word “Compliment.”
There
was one day I was organizing some of my art supplies and I found one
of the color wheels I bought when I was learning how to paint. As I
looked at all the different colors I realized that for years I owned
this color wheel and I never actually read any of the writing on it
before.
So
I started looking at it and saw that there were titles grouping the
colors together. I saw that the red, blue and yellow were labeled as
“Primary.” Ok, I knew that. I was about to put the color wheel
down when something caught my eye. I realized it said “Complimentary”
colors. I believed I knew what complimentary colors were and yet what
I saw before my eyes was not even close. According to the color
wheel, complimentary colors are directly opposite of each other!
Whenever
I heard the word compliment I only thought of it in a positive way.
Just like when you give a compliment, you're saying something nice or
uplifting them about something in particular right? Well, this was
the very first time in my life that it hit me how something so subtle
could have such an eye opening impact. Especially when I wasn't
looking for it and really didn't know I didn't know what I thought I
already knew! Whew!
About
that time, I was really getting into the different elements of
quantum physics. I was fascinated because I was learning that there
are elemental truths that are constants, and as long as I don't
violate the principles that govern these universal laws, the outcome
is assured every time. That was so cool because it simplified
everything. I finally learned cause and effect. I was finally
starting to learn about myself.
I
grew up hearing people say that opposites attract, and to be honest I
never really ever gave it a thought about whether or not opposites
really do attract. When enough people say something usually whatever
it is becomes accepted as a fact or truth. But that day my eyes were
opened and for the first time in my life and I began to see.
You
see, there are universal laws that are called universal for a reason.
No matter what, they do not change. You can reap the benefits of them
or you can violate them and end up living in the natural consequence
of violating the principle. However, it is not personal. There is
nobody sitting there judging you just because you did xyz. It is a
system that has been put in place and is automatic. Like the seasons.
You can count on them to happen and plan accordingly, or you can
ignore them and suffer the natural consequences of being unprepared.
As long as you honor the system of the governing principles for these
universal laws, you will live within the benefits of whatever the law
is designed to do.
At
that moment I realized that for most of my life I had no idea that
there were these kinds of “laws” or governing dynamics. For
pretty much all of my life I had been opposing the very principles
that had been set in place from the foundation of creation and I
never even knew it. This changed everything!
Based
on the little that I had been studying about the world of quantum
physics I discovered that in life you can not attract anything you
are not. Like attracts like. For the most part that is simple. Well
it sounds simple enough. I mean this is what the whole rage all about
the Law of Attraction is based upon. But it wasn't until that moment
I had my first conflict about the whole like attracts like and
“opposites attract” thing.
If
it is a universal law that is unchangeable that states you can't
attract anything that you are not for like bonds to like, then how in
the world is it that we are led to believe and live our lives in the
philosophy that opposites attract? The more I looked at this huge
color wheel, and the more I studied the position of the complimentary
colors something magical occurred within me. I had one of the greatest
realizations of my life and despite the fact that it happened because
of the color wheel, it had very little to do with color.
It
was a principle that was established for color, yet in that moment I
saw it as it applied to absolutely everything in life and how lack of
understanding has caused me to violate only God knows how many
principles in my life before this. Color was just the tool that got
my attention long enough to actually see beyond all that I thought I
knew.
Since
I have learned that only like can attract like then how is it that we
believe that opposites can be attracted to each other? Because
according to physics, for anything opposite to attract it would
violate the very law that has been set to govern it. That's when I
realized just as with the colors and their positions on the color
wheel, it is the complimentary colors that are totally opposite that
amplify (brighten)!
These
“complementaries” which are really polar opposite of each other
become the gravity if you will, responsible for holding us in
relationship with each other. Because even though like attracts like,
there must be a contrast or difference within the likeness in order
to create the charge that will keep the relationship from pushing
apart like when you turn two magnets against each other. It is the
difference in the magnetic charge that brings together or pushes
apart.
For
all of my life I was so certain that the more you have in common with
people and the more alike you are the better your relationship will
be and the longer it will last. I never understood that while it is
our likeness that brings us into the same space, it is our
differences that keep our relationship strong, solid and “tightly
bonded.” Not to mention, interesting. It is only when we believe
that the other person should be just like “us” that we actually
push them further away just like magnets with the same charge when
they are facing each other. They repel each other.
The
color wheel showed me something that I couldn't deny. It also showed
me that everything I had been led to believe was incomplete. It isn't
that “opposites” attract at all, but just as with the color
wheel, it is the “opposites” that hold us together and allow us
to remain strongly connected.
These
“opposites” which are the differences that make us who we are
happen to be the very things that bring color to our lives and our
world. Our hearts hold the likeness to each other, and our
experiences create the similarities and differences. This is where
our past, present and future lives.
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