My life, My map

I continue to learn that the things that have been traumatic in my life are all rooted deeply from far back in my childhood, and along the way I have gotten so entangled within all of the “symptoms” that I was never able to find my way through to the needle in the haystack.

I am determined to get this right with all of my heart! I am determined to finish all that I have been created to do so that my life is an example of what is possible even after falling so far and losing everything including my sanity.

More than just discovering all that is possible, I am sharing my journey for I am the prodigal child who only by the grace of God has brought me here. Together we continue living this legacy that was designed before time ever began. I hope to be the hand that holds yours within the darkest pain and walks with you into the light of love that brings life and healing.

Writing about my journey continues to be much like creating a map. When my pain has been so great that I can’t even breathe it is a way to find where I am at  and then shows me which route is the best to get me from where I am right now to where I want to go.

I pray with all of my heart that you will allow the light of love to lead you and show you the way as you travel to places within your heart that you have never been before.

I hope that by sharing what I have experienced throughout my life that when you feel lost along the unfamiliar paths of your journey that you will always find your way as long as you know how to find your way back to you, for this is where our Heavenly Father is. I spent the majority of my life looking out for the direction and guidance because I was desperate to figure out which way to go. I continue discovering that there is nobody else who can tell me how to get to where I am called to be. For the voice of the one who created me is within.

This journey is one of learning to trust myself, accept myself for all I am and everything I am not, and the willingness to believe that I am the only one who truly knows what is best for me.

The only way to see within the darkness is to shine a light. I want you to know that you hold the light of love within your heart for you are the light! So when things all around are spinning frantically out of control and everything within is so noisy that you can't hear, the light that is always within is the light that shows the way.

Without my heart, without the love within it, I am not just blind or confused, I am dead. It is the light of love that is brighter than the sun that has brought me to life and this is the only reason I am here today.

For so much of my life it has been drilled into my mind that in order to succeed or “be something” that I have to look outside of myself. I don't know about you but I grew up believing that in order to become someone and be worthy that I had to do what everyone else tells me I am supposed to do. You know, grow up and go to college, work 9-5 or longer, and save everything I make so that one day I can retire and finally get a chance to do all of the things I never did before because I was so busy being “responsible” or living up to being everything I thought I were supposed to be for everyone else.

I am still learning when I get caught up in doing everything just because it feels like I am “supposed to” that I will only get more of what I have already had. I was not created to be just like everyone else. In fact, I am absolutely certain that there is not another person on the face of this earth who is just like me. Which is why it is so important for me to be true to myself and to discover what my heart holds. For within the soil of my heart are the dream seeds that will grow until they become my reality. The seeds that have been planted in my heart become the eternal harvests that will just end up dying inside of me if I don't trust myself and listen to the voice within.

After all that I have done and that I have spent my life entangled by doing wrong and being sick and perverted, I am the least deserving of anything good. But thank God it's not about being good or being good enough. It is all about the true heart of love and what has already been done for each and every person who has ever lived or ever will be.

I am willing to share my story no matter how it makes me look to anyone else or the judgments that people might be tempted to make about me and the life I have lived. I know that it is a miracle that I am even here able to write honestly everything I am sharing about my life. I am going to honor my Lord and my Savior for all that they have brought me through for I would not be here now without the saving grace and mercy of Heaven's love. And this is the truth!

I am here to share that we have all been created with every single tool that we could ever need right here inside of us. I spent my entire life looking out and hoping to get a glimpse of who I am and figuring out what I was going to have to do to be great at something.

I am still learning how to catch myself when I choose something that I think I am “supposed” to do and then have the courage to stop going in the direction that only takes me further away from my heart. Because without my heart I am powerless. Without my heart I can do nothing more than just go through the motions and I can't live with that. I have discovered freedom is always one honest choice away and the torment of indecision has cost me everything.

Outside of my heart there is nothing except confusion, fear, anxiety that feels more like the torment of panic, and even more than that, outside of my heart, I am disconnected from myself. It is there that I die inside while I am still walking around. But the amazing thing is that through this journey I am discovering when I feel most alone, totally confused and so afraid that I am paralyzed by my own indecision, I am never alone. There are always clues and signs that somehow find ways in the most ridiculously perfect times that gently remind me (if I am willing to listen and see) where I am.

Even when I continue moving in a direction that is leading me further from my dream and miracle, eventually I will hear and see because I can't ignore what is happening all around me. I remember that nothing good has ever come from being afraid. In fact, my worst nightmares have all happened because of the things I feared.

I remember the prices that have been paid in my own life and in the lives of everyone I love because of my unwillingness to open my heart. I remember that where there is fear there is opportunity to run from myself, or the opportunity to see myself. Rather than looking out, this is all about opening your heart and looking inside to find what has always been there waiting for you! Everything that we will ever need is stored right within our heart! We were born containing everything that we could ever need to bring us into the places of greatest life. Our lives were never designed to be lived as if we are on an assembly line being shaped by the same cookie cutter that everyone else is made from. Where is the variety and interest in being just like everyone else?

Everything that has had the greatest impact within my life has sent me to new heights beyond my wildest imaginations, or plummeting to unimaginable depths deep within the darkness. When I have been brave enough to explore a thought or a “hunch and idea” usually what I discover has blown my mind, and ignited the flames of passion in my life which have led me here. Along the way, I'm not going to lie,  I totally get swept up in the moments where my feelings are so magical and over the top. It is the rush of life and hope and endless possibility. But when the rush of feelings begins to settle down, reality is always standing right by my side to “show me” none other than myself.

Usually it is only then I realize that just because everything seemed like it was unfolding so magically doesn't mean that the direction I just went was necessarily the “right” one for me. It's hard to feel like I am going the “wrong way” and still get caught up in how it will look to everyone else if I “quit” or don't follow through with what I started. I was in this very situation very recently. I can tell you with all of my heart that I have sent myself spiraling into places that I believed that I had been delivered from a long time ago. I have learned oodles about myself and I am so thankful because now I know what my weaknesses still are and also many strengths that I never realized were strengths at all.

I suppose that this is where the mastery of living comes into play. I have learned how to be honest with myself and to choose because I can live with it regardless of the outcome. That way I know that no matter how things turn out, there is nobody else I can look out at or point my finger at to blame. But even though I may not be pointing my finger at someone else, I have found that sometimes I end up pointing my finger at myself. The self judgment and harshness that I hurl at myself is something that I am learning is so ugly and self destructive. I may do my best not to judge others, but it is not any better when I am unable to be gentle or forgive myself for all of the things that I have chosen.

My greatest conflict has always been within me. Yet, I have still been desperately searching for a “sign” from anyone and anything to confirm that I have finally made the “right” choice and am on the right path. But how in the world am I supposed to ask anyone else to show me the way when I am the only one who holds my hopes and dreams.

What I do know is that I have been given a second chance to live my life and I am so thankful. That's why I don't want to wait for a minute to do everything that I have been created to do. However, because of my desire to live this thankfulness I have found that I really have no idea how to pace myself while making sure that I maintain the order and healthy balance in my life. I have discovered that even too much of a healthy thing can become unhealthy.

I am doing so many things that I have never done before. I have never been here as this person in my own life. I am experiencing just how intense the emotions like fear and insecurity rush can be when I am out of my comfort zone.

When I am afraid, I am humbled to admit that the moment I get swept away in the grips of fear and fearing the unknown the bottomless pit within me opens up and faster than most cars go 0-60, suddenly the warmth of the light that was shining so brightly just a moment before feels like it dropped right out through the bottom of my feet and the torment of fear feels like it is suffocating me from the inside out.

No matter how much I learn, I am never “out of the woods” so to speak. I know I have changed, but I know I am always one thought away from the spiral of falling apart. I know it might sound extreme for me to say that a single thought can lead someone to fall apart, but the first thought always leads to another and then to another. Before you realize that you have jumped aboard a negative thought train, your thoughts speed up, and begin controlling every emotion that you are feeling. This is exactly what was happening to me.

Negative thoughts usually become victim thoughts and so often lead down the road to the self pity that swallows me up inside. Thoughts are not just “thoughts.” They hold creative power whether “good” or “bad.” Being able to control your thoughts and choose what you will think about isn't an automatic thing that just happens. It has to be a conscious effort and sometimes it takes all I've got to stop spinning in whatever it is I am thinking about because of the powerful feelings and emotions that go along with the thoughts I am having.

It sounds like a common sense sort of thing that if you are feeling bad because of the thoughts you are having then stop thinking about whatever it is and think about something else that makes you feel better. But there are so many thoughts that are happening all the time whether we are aware of them or not that it is like we are on autopilot. And for the most part, just going through everyday where our thoughts seem to do the driving is essentially living on autopilot. There is little choosing going on. Instead, there are all of the thoughts both conscious and subconscious coming in and all to often everything we are “choosing” is nothing more than a reaction where we are responding to the thought or our thoughts about the thoughts. That isn't really choosing at all even though it feels like it is.

I have learned over the past few years how to take the thoughts I have and re-frame them. That has helped me to take the really horrible thoughts, the negative thoughts, and thoughts that are riddled with judgment and acknowledge what it really is. But instead I have learned to take whatever is negative and find the perspective that helps me to see whoever or whatever it is in a better light.

Doing this has shown me that it is possible to live in Heaven while still in the midst of hell. But the hell is not a physical place until I create it. It is a state of mind that transforms everything I see, feel and experience into a living nightmare. Everything is a choice and its very humbling to find that just as I am one choice away from falling, I am also only one choice away from rising, but I can't do both at the same time.

What I know for certain is that everything has always remained upon the shelves of my heart until I choose to be courageous and willing to do whatever it takes to break through the walls that I had spent so
 long building around my heart thinking that would keep me safe.

I spent my life believing that those walls would protect me and keep me from getting hurt along the way. What I didn’t realize until it was almost too late, is that the very walls I spent my life building to protect me and keep me safe, became the very walls that imprisoned me.

What I’m sharing with you are the tools, skills and experiences that have brought me to life! Everything I am sharing with you now has breathed life into my dead, stony cold, shattered heart, and raised me to life through the light and power of all that love is!

What I share with you is my map.

My map has become a book about my life, but I am not writing another version of a self help, look what I did and you should do it my way kind of book! This book is and continues to be essential in my own healing process. As I write about things that I have experienced, I am consciously and purposely “exposing” myself to my trauma’s and pain.

I have been told that doing this is actually called Exposure Therapy!

 

As I read the words I write, and allow myself to be reminded of what I have done, overcome and been liberated from, I am changed again and again. So I am sharing with you the very things that I do in my own life. Because I am living the proof of what is possible when no matter how many times you get knocked down, feel like you're out for the count, and all hope has faded to barely a thought of a distant memory, that true life and freedom is all within reach!

I have been given another chance because of our Creators love not because I did anything to deserve it. In His example to me through my own life, I finally know true love. I am finally learning what it really means to love yourself and how every moment that I participate is magical; though rarely “easy.”

I am discovering that after 40 years of desperation and tragedy I have been given the gift of love. That against all odds with all that I have been through and everything I have caused that we have a creator who loves us and His love was never dependent upon what we do or don't do! He loves because He is love, and when He looks at us, the greatest of all His creations, He sees His heart and the love of His son within us for we are one.

This is so amazing to me especially since the way I was raised in church to believe how I should have been sent forever into the darkness for everything I have done. Yet, love lives within me and I have never been the same!

I am hoping to share with whoever will listen that it doesn't matter just how “bad” you have lived your life because I have been the worst as a wife, mother, friend, and basically just as a human. It is all about willingness and the awesome saving power of all that love is and what has already been done for every one.

Though in the world of physics like attracts like, it is all of the things about us that “compliment” each other that hold us in relationship with each other. It wasn't until just a few years ago that I finally understood what it means to be complimentary. That changed my life in an instant and it also completely contradicted everything I had ever been taught about the word “Compliment.”

There was one day I was organizing some of my art supplies and I found one of the color wheels I bought when I was learning how to paint. As I looked at all the different colors I realized that for years I owned this color wheel and I never actually read any of the writing on it before.

So I started looking at it and saw that there were titles grouping the colors together. I saw that the red, blue and yellow were labeled as “Primary.” Ok, I knew that. I was about to put the color wheel down when something caught my eye. I realized it said “Complimentary” colors. I believed I knew what complimentary colors were and yet what I saw before my eyes was not even close. According to the color wheel, complimentary colors are directly opposite of each other!

Whenever I heard the word compliment I only thought of it in a positive way. Just like when you give a compliment, you're saying something nice or uplifting them about something in particular right? Well, this was the very first time in my life that it hit me how something so subtle could have such an eye opening impact. Especially when I wasn't looking for it and really didn't know I didn't know what I thought I already knew! Whew!

About that time, I was really getting into the different elements of quantum physics. I was fascinated because I was learning that there are elemental truths that are constants, and as long as I don't violate the principles that govern these universal laws, the outcome is assured every time. That was so cool because it simplified everything. I finally learned cause and effect. I was finally starting to learn about myself.

I grew up hearing people say that opposites attract, and to be honest I never really ever gave it a thought about whether or not opposites really do attract. When enough people say something usually whatever it is becomes accepted as a fact or truth. But that day my eyes were opened and for the first time in my life and I began to see.

You see, there are universal laws that are called universal for a reason. No matter what, they do not change. You can reap the benefits of them or you can violate them and end up living in the natural consequence of violating the principle. However, it is not personal. There is nobody sitting there judging you just because you did xyz. It is a system that has been put in place and is automatic. Like the seasons. You can count on them to happen and plan accordingly, or you can ignore them and suffer the natural consequences of being unprepared. As long as you honor the system of the governing principles for these universal laws, you will live within the benefits of whatever the law is designed to do.

At that moment I realized that for most of my life I had no idea that there were these kinds of “laws” or governing dynamics. For pretty much all of my life I had been opposing the very principles that had been set in place from the foundation of creation and I never even knew it. This changed everything!

Based on the little that I had been studying about the world of quantum physics I discovered that in life you can not attract anything you are not. Like attracts like. For the most part that is simple. Well it sounds simple enough. I mean this is what the whole rage all about the Law of Attraction is based upon. But it wasn't until that moment I had my first conflict about the whole like attracts like and “opposites attract” thing.

If it is a universal law that is unchangeable that states you can't attract anything that you are not for like bonds to like, then how in the world is it that we are led to believe and live our lives in the philosophy that opposites attract? The more I looked at this huge color wheel, and the more I studied the position of the complimentary colors something magical occurred within me. I had one of the greatest realizations of my life and despite the fact that it happened because of the color wheel, it had very little to do with color.

It was a principle that was established for color, yet in that moment I saw it as it applied to absolutely everything in life and how lack of understanding has caused me to violate only God knows how many principles in my life before this. Color was just the tool that got my attention long enough to actually see beyond all that I thought I knew.

Since I have learned that only like can attract like then how is it that we believe that opposites can be attracted to each other? Because according to physics, for anything opposite to attract it would violate the very law that has been set to govern it. That's when I realized just as with the colors and their positions on the color wheel, it is the complimentary colors that are totally opposite that amplify (brighten)!

These “complementaries” which are really polar opposite of each other become the gravity if you will, responsible for holding us in relationship with each other. Because even though like attracts like, there must be a contrast or difference within the likeness in order to create the charge that will keep the relationship from pushing apart like when you turn two magnets against each other. It is the difference in the magnetic charge that brings together or pushes apart.

For all of my life I was so certain that the more you have in common with people and the more alike you are the better your relationship will be and the longer it will last. I never understood that while it is our likeness that brings us into the same space, it is our differences that keep our relationship strong, solid and “tightly bonded.” Not to mention, interesting. It is only when we believe that the other person should be just like “us” that we actually push them further away just like magnets with the same charge when they are facing each other. They repel each other.

The color wheel showed me something that I couldn't deny. It also showed me that everything I had been led to believe was incomplete. It isn't that “opposites” attract at all, but just as with the color wheel, it is the “opposites” that hold us together and allow us to remain strongly connected.

These “opposites” which are the differences that make us who we are happen to be the very things that bring color to our lives and our world. Our hearts hold the likeness to each other, and our experiences create the similarities and differences. This is where our past, present and future lives.