Living Life Limitlessly!

Over the weekend I learned that my youngest daughter is not living with her dad right now. I would give anything to be able to be with her and now she isn't with me and she isn't at home with them! They sent her to a place that could help her because she was doing things that my youngest son said, “You wouldn't even believe it because nobody ever would have thought that she would ever be doing things like that.” He didn't go into detail and I didn't ask because I will never put him in the middle of having to share with me anything that he doesn't freely want to. We spoke for nearly an hour and a half! I don't think we have spoken like that for longer than I'd like to admit! I am so proud of him after all that he has had to endure and overcome!

I feel so helpless because my little girl needs me in her life and there is nothing I can do legally since I don't have custody of her. Today I wept, overwhelmed by all of the amazing things that continue unfolding into my life. My little angel is in so much pain and emotion and now not even with her dad. Her dad's girlfriend is nearly 6 months pregnant now and when I found out that she was pregnant I truly was so happy for them! I am hopeful that this time around he will be able to do for her during her pregnancy what he didn't during mine. Its been nearly 4 years since either my ex husband or his girlfriend have been willing to speak to me and I don't know why so I continue to keep them in my prayers, believing that every day we are one day closer to resolution.

Even though they won't speak to me and won't let me see my children, I have found great  peace in knowing that the God who made me, the maker of all life and the one who gave my children to me in the first place, is their true Father...and I know beyond any doubt that no matter what it looks like and no matter how painful it is for things to be the way they are right now that He has everything all under control. I know that it won't always be this way and so I continue doing everything I have been created to do right here, right now with all of my heart and soul because I know that in His time, everything will be restored just as He always intended it to be. 

It is tempting to wonder how much of my daughters outcry and acting out has been because my ex husband's girlfriend, no matter how good she is to my children, she is not me. Add her pregnancy on top of everything and my daughter not being able to be watched 24 hours a day its not hard to understand why they would need help with her. I'm thankful that she is safe and getting the help she needs, but the pain of what she is going through is something I am having to consciously choose to trust my Lord with...after all He is the one who gave her to me, and He has not brought us this far to let go now. 

I may sob because the pain feels like more than I can bear, but as my tears pour like rain, the pain is released, hope is restored and my faith is ignited in a deeper way than I ever could have dreamed is possible. This is my life. I have been groomed and trained, taught from the heart of my Master, Lord of All and my Savior for such a time as this. For the very first time in my entire life I am grounded in the soil of all that Heaven is, and no longer defined by all of the wreckage that lies behind me from a life that has been laid to rest forever in the moment that I died and was reborn into the life called now. 

I decided to go for a walk at French Park. It was such an incredibly beautiful day on Saturday that I couldn't resist. I wanted to write, but I needed to be outside in the breath and heartbeat of nature. I love French Park because I used to take my children there to play when they were little. I had no idea that there were so many trails that continue leading me on incredible adventures into a beautiful forest right in the middle of the hustle and bustle of suburbia.

I decided to park somewhere different than I usually do. I have noticed my tendency to be predictable and follow the same way just because it is familiar and comfortable. So I purposely parked somewhere that was close to a trail I had never taken before. When I pulled up into the upper lot there was a sign that said “Wedding” and I thought how amazing it is that on such an incredible day two lives became one with all of creation surrounding them to celebrate them.

It was chilly in the shade so I found a trail on a hill that I have walked by several times never daring to venture off to explore. My life ever since I was a little girl has been all about the life of the adventure. I used to go off into the woods hoping to get lost, but somehow even if I had no idea where I was going I always ended up finding my way back home. My walk on Saturday was just like that! I went out to spend time with just me, God, and all of my glorious angels. I find that I am most alive in the places in nature where I feel like I am the only one here on this planet. For the time that I am wandering curiously through the pathways and those less traveled, it is in the whispering breeze that I feel wrap around every part of my body that awakens everything within me. Its more than just an incredible experience. It's like my body, my soul and my spirit are one and it feels like I am “home!”

I think that is the one thing that has ushered in the greatest healing, revelation and my awareness of just how intricately connected we are with everything and everyone. In the presence of nature there is a powerful exchange that happens. I give off the very element that they need to live, and I receive life sustaining oxygen in return. It is like the ebb and flow of life. Without each other we fail to thrive and life becomes nothing more than the mere suffocation of existence. With my feet planted firmly on the ground I am refilled with the very life recalibrating vibration that every cell in my body desperately needs.

There is something deeper though that I remembered as I was walking. I allowed myself to get so caught up in the moment, feeling that the air sweeping across my face were the kisses of my Heavenly Father and all of creation rejoicing that I came out to play! I looked for the places that I could walk that would lead me into places I had never been before. The thrill I felt inside was so exciting! I breathed deeply and held it in because I wanted to be able to give all of me to everything around me in the wake of my exhale. Some may think that I'm silly and that's totally ok. So much of life is spent busily engaging in the rat race of “have to, need to, and should” where life's obligations and desires are so much on the forefront of our thoughts that we miss the very life within life.

I was thinking of my walk as I would if I were to get together with a very close friend. I didn't see the trees and cattails or anything as just beautiful pieces of nature along the paths. I saw everything as all the friends that were patiently waiting for me to come and visit. I found my way toward a cluster of the most beautiful birch trees and overlooking a nearly dried up stream I saw a tree with a long branch that I could crawl up on to sit for a while. So I did!

I could feel the energy pulsing through my entire body and I tipped my head back in the sun as if to surrender to the flow of life within and all around me. I was letting all of the dark sadness and anything that was interested in anything other than basking in the beauty and majesty of the moment. I was thanking God for the magnificence of all He is and has created.

I sat with my head tilted back to feel the wind fluttering across my face and it felt like the trees were communicating with each other and everything else through the sounds they made with every branch that creaked. It was like they were making rhythmic beats as the wind wrapped in and out of their branches pulling and pushing each branch in its own way. It was amazing to witness just how independent each branch really is while continuing to be attached and part of the tree as a whole! It felt more like I was listening to a symphony being played by natures orchestra than just sitting up on a tree limb.

I watched the branches swaying this way, then that way and in that moment I recalled a story I heard many years ago. How it is the wind that causes the trees to thrive, become deeply rooted, and grow strong and able to withstand the weathering of time. A group of scientists got together and built a bio dome type environment that would keep the evironment controlled and constant, thus making the elements totally "perfect." There were no storms, no winds, and nothing that would “rock the boat” within their created “world.” However it didn't take long for the trees to begin to wither and die setting off a chain "eco" reaction that turned their perfect environment into a death trap.

What they discovered was this...without the wind, the trees and eco system are unable to develop the very strength and elements necessary to grow, nourish and sustain. It is the buffeting that actually builds the core and creates the ability to endure and persevere. Without the adversities and winds, the tree would never be able to become deeply rooted and it would fall over underneath the force of it's own weight and size.

As I sat there I reflected over my life with fresh eyes. My life has been filled with the winds of life's hurricanes and earthquakes that have shaken me over and over until everything within me finally came crashing down and nothing remained standing. In the end my ego lied buried deep within the smoldering rubble, and there was nothing left of me except the dust of who I used to be. But just as the Phoenix rises from the ashes, my Lord, my Savior knows just who He created me to be, and He raised me to new life! He continues sculpting me with the nutrient filled clay, taken from those very same ashes that no longer hold me in the shape or the form of all I used to be. The fires that burned me from within, refined me, purified me and gave me new life.

Sitting high up on the tree branch I was visualizing that process, (the death of the “me I used to be”) when I was drawn into the beautifully changing leaves fluttering on the trees all around me. Vibrant reds, oranges and the most brilliant shades of mustard captured me and in a moment I was swept away in the awe of such beauty...and then it hit me that the beauty was only possible because the tree was preparing to sleep for a long winter. It is an accelerated process that is as death...the loss of that season of its life, and there is nothing it can do except yield as its beautiful leaves fade from green into breathtaking shades of the rainbow before everything so luscious and beautiful that once clothed the tree falls to the ground, leaving it naked, totally exposed, and as if it were never beautiful at all.

There have been so many seasons in my life where I can honestly identify with the full circle that reveals how life gives way to death, and death is nothing more than the gateway where true, new life abounds. Just as with the tree when it goes to “sleep” and looks totally dead, unfruitful and barren, it is only a matter of time before it will stretch its limbs, embrace the light and begin once again. The tree never contemplates how it will live or what it is going to do once all of its leaves are stripped away. It simply awakens to the day, recharges throughout the night giving us the vital oxygen that we need and takes in all of our waste and toxicity. In the fullness of all it has been created to be, it takes in what would otherwise cause death, and gives us life. So it is with us. In being who we are created to be, the joy, love, gratitude, compassion, empathy and connection within us purifies the pain, emptiness, isolation, hopelessness, and disconnection making us stronger within to bear the heaviness all around us.

I remember having a conversation with someone dear to my heart over this past summer and she and I were talking about the differences between our experience with physical pain. I was just beginning to have relief with my chronic back pain that I had been living with for nearly 3 ½ years and she was completely unable to relate because for all of her life she has been healthy, strong, and totally unphased by any sort of physical limitation. I was happy for her because she had never gone through such terrible things, but I was also sad because I understood how difficult it would be to relate to people who had gone through things that were beyond understanding if you never did.

In that moment, I was able to find great thankfulness for everything I have ever been through and experienced throughout my life! Suddenly it became clear to me that it is impossible to have true empathy and understanding for others without having experienced things that rock your world in your own life. I was able to see all of the horrifying circumstances as blessings because I realized that every adversity, loss, and pain are the greatest gifts I have ever been given! 

My nightmares became my miracles and I have never been the same because no matter how much better the pain is whether physical, emotional or both, I am never so far beyond my circumstances that I can't remember just what it felt like and how everything once looked deep in the despair in my life. Even more amazing to me is how sharing the cold, hard truth of just how things really were has given me the ability to communicate and even more than that, I finally live life knowing what it took to move beyond the confines of a living hell and journey into the paradise of Now. 

I was sitting high upon the tree branch, swinging my legs and bouncing when the sun began to set. In that moment I felt like I never wanted it to end, but instead of being saddened that it would soon be dark I chose to remind myself that it never has to end even when its over! Many times this week already I have traveled through those woods in my mind, in my memory and suddenly I feel in this moment the same thrill and joy that I did when I physically went there! 

It's incredible how powerful we have been created to be! Our brain doesn't know how to distinguish between what is "real" and an image of thought or a photograph. It interprets them both the same...so I have learned to use this to change my feelings and in the process I have discovered that if I can recognize I am thinking or "seeing" something that is bringing my feelings down, that I can recall places I've been that bring my joy and visualizing the experience actually makes me feel the same feelings even though I am not there at all...God has created us in His image and His likeness...we are not powerless, we are powerful beyond measure. 

He loves it when we see and experience life in the most epic ways that are only possible when we dare to explore and live the adventure with Him and each other. I love you Jesus for all that you are and I thank you for making it more than possible to live life limitlessly! I love you!!!