Graduation Day :)

Yesterday was a very monumental day in my life. It marked the beginning and the completion of a full year commitment to participate in group therapy called DBT.  I have been working toward personal healing and emotional wellness after a lifelong battle with dysfunction, life shattering and life altering catastrophe's. Yesterday I graduated from DBT and I am in awe that a year has passed and I have become the person that I am. This journey has brought me across the expanse of my troubled life and transformed everything I am. It is a miracle that I am here and I thank God for all that I have discovered and continue to learn in every moment of every day!

A year ago I met a woman who has been instrumental in showing me what life looks like through the eyes of love. She is my therapist. I never in a million years ever imagined having such a powerful and life changing experience. Especially since I had been in and out of a therapists office since I was a little girl because of everything I was going through while I was growing up. I had a horrible taste in my mouth about the “professionals” that were notorious for sitting blankly as they stared and listened to me pour my guts out for an hour and then had the audacity to ask, “How does that make you feel?” All I could think of was how do you think that it makes me feel...dumb ass!” Obviously I'm coming to you for a reason. If I knew how to understand and get beyond the “how it makes me feel” thing, I certainly wouldn't need to come here and see you, would I?

Wow!

So I had come to the end of myself a long time ago with trying to find any therapist who would actually be able to help me figure out all the things that have caused me to feel and choose the things in my life that I have. It seemed like every therapist was disconnected and didn't know how to use their heart. That was until October 2012 when I met the woman I have been working with. To be honest, I didn't even think that I was going to like my therapist. I felt weird trying to explain all of the things that had been happening in my life that finally landed me in her office. It was hard enough trying to go through my life and history, but frankly I was sick and tired of thinking about all of the crap that hurt in my life and being reminded of it again and again and again. But she was different. I couldn't explain it and I am not even sure that I really needed to.

When she suggested this “group” called DBT I had no desire to do that. And when she told me that it was a year commitment I was like “Seriously?” But I was at the place where I knew that if I didn't do something different than I had always done that the likelihood of healing or ever really learning to live life as an unbroken woman was virtually not going to happen. I have been through so much horror and abandonment in my life that I knew if I didn't do this now I probably never would. So I did, and it was by far one of the very best decisions that I have ever made for myself!

In order to be in the DBT group I had to commit to the full year which was going to be every Wednesday and then the requirement was that I would have to go to individual therapy once a week as well. I liked my Therapist a lot and so I really hoped that together we would be able to navigate through the dark recesses of my mind and broken heart. And we have! Over this past year, we have traveled together through the deepest pits in my heart, the suffocating darkness of fear and self loathing and for the very first time I am finally on the other side of me.

I finally see that things are not what I spent my life believing they were. I also have found the courage to let the light of love wash through the places in my heart that I was always too afraid to go. Together we have opened the doors, let in the light, and swept away all of the scary spider webs. For the first time in all of my life I am clean, I am whole and I have the skills and tools to be able to open the doors that I didn't know how before. Without everything that I have learned, chosen, realized and experienced because of choosing to go to DBT none of this would be possible in the way it is today! This is truly humbling and amazing to me all at the same time. I am so thankful!

In the beginning of DBT I never thought I was going to make it for a full year. I didn't have any desire to sit in a group of complete strangers once a week, every week for an entire year. I never did groups before and I didn't have any desire to start then. Besides, I thought it was going to be something like the scenes in the movie Anger Management when Adam Sandler has to attend the group for the conditions of his probation. Seriously, none of that was for me.

I thought that I had actually grown so much through these past few years and was so certain I was already living my life effectively. I was facing giants in my life and overcoming the impossible without a single DBT class. So I had no idea what the whole point would be to commit to something for an entire year when I could barely imagine beyond the day I was in. Plus I had so many other things that I was set on doing and this seemed like just one more delay in a long list of other delays. I had no idea just how crucial it was going to be for me to learn and live the DBT skills for me to go on and be able to live successfully within every area of my life. I have been given the knowledge and understanding how to live mindfully and to participate in my life. I'm not just on autopilot anymore thinking of everything else except what I am doing.

I needed to do this for myself and I knew that if I didn't I would end up being another year older and still trying to muddle my way through my life, my past, and doing it all alone. I wanted to learn the things that would make living my life successful, and I was desperate and determined to be free from the holds and bondage's of the past.

So whether or not I wanted to do DBT became of less importance than choosing to see the year commitment as a way to invest in myself, heal the past, understand the roots and reasons for why I have done the things I have and chosen as I have throughout my entire life. I wanted to be able to recognize old destructive habits and processes and learn how to mindfully maneuver every day effectively.

I guess I never really imagined just how possible it was for a curriculum and connection with other group members to empower me in my journey. It didn't take me long to see that I wasn't just traveling through the journey of my life alone anymore. Everyone in the group became a part of my journey and they were doing it with me. We were all doing life together. 

This has shown me just how powerful connection really is. As I began to share the things that brought me to the group I was amazed to see just how strongly everyone else in the group was able to identify and understand exactly where I was and where I had come from. We may have all been different, but there was a common thread that began to weave us together.

The greatest fear I had about being in a group and sharing things about my life was how other people would look at me or judge me. No matter what I shared or what I was going through nobody ever judged me. In fact it never ceased to amaze me how willing everyone in our group was to open their heart and extend compassion and the light of insight and perspective even though they were in the midst of their own life's struggles and pain.

We each found friendship and understanding. We each allowed our hearts to be vulnerable enough to open the doors that had been closed for only God knows how long, and we let each other in. It is a place that became more like sacred ground than a life skills platform. It is a place where I learned that no matter how much I have spent my life living “wrong” that nobody else looked at me funny or treated me like I was unworthy.

In fact, it was their unconditional acceptance and reminders to be gentle with myself that has shown me how to open my eyes and see myself in a whole new light. We were each going through our own pain and we arrived to the place of togetherness. This was where maybe for the very first time in my life I felt like I was really safe, and safe to reveal so many things that I always felt I had to keep to myself because of what they were. We weren't just hurting people who met in a DBT group. We found our way to the same place because we were sick and tired of being miserable, broken and defined by everything we had been told and ended up believing because of our pasts. But in the process we became a family whose hearts are forever interwoven together, and that is something I have never experienced at any other time in my life!

I have decided to share my journey and hold out my hand, my heart and my experiences because there is such awesome power in knowing you are not alone. More than that, there is hope and promise far beyond our wildest imaginations! So much of life is not pretty, but I am here to remind you that you are beautiful, you are special, you are a one of a kind gift and you are loved! Thank you for taking your time today to be a part of this awesome journey we call life! God bless you and keep you safe always!

Love,

Elizabeth

Believing Big

There's nothing too big… In fact there's nothing big at all in life… just lots of little pieces of our life's puzzle that have accumulated making it appear big. You are as big as you believe you are, but if you're willing to see the tiny most insignificant particles that are not even visible to the naked eye by simply being present and in this moment right now, anything is possible to those who believe!

I am a human BEing not a human DOing :)

I am certain of one thing in this moment and that is I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I don’t mean that being in school is it, or working a job, or even the place where I am living. I am exactly where I am supposed to be means that I am learning more about myself and honestly addressing the things that I have always feared. I am recognizing how my ego still gets in the way and how I am so quick to make impulse decisions without first counting the cost(s) and call it faith

There are so many things that I would still be unwilling to see about my “why’s” if I weren’t doing what I am right now. I see my avoidance's, my hopes, my actions and the way I feel about all of it. I am overwhelmed and in this I am realizing how to choose what I can live with on a totally new level. I am certain that there is no power outside of peace and where there is love there is always peace.

I have learned about the truth of what a comfort zone really is and it is not a negative thing like I believed it was. I am in and out of my comfort zone choice by choice. I am constantly moving into the unknown even if I am doing well. It is always uncertain. This is why I can grow. This is why we all grow and move and expand.

I AM facing my fear, I am boldly moving ahead even when I have no idea where and how I am going to do this. I am living bravely, yet I am realizing that there is a difference with being brave and doing the things that are ego impulse prompted in the name of courage and bravery. This is ugly for me to see still exists in me…I think the only difference is that it never goes away. I just change and become proficient with being able to see myself and my true motives within every step that I take. 

Seeing me is seeing the light, and in that I will always be able to see where I am if I will always be honest with myself and not sit in my drive to BE successful or accomplish something just because nobody else in my family has ever done it. Being is just that. Doing is something that is completely different but has been interchangeably used as if the two are the same. I continue discovering that they are not.

Daring to Dream

There are so many dreams that I have had throughout my life. While many of my dreams have come true, there are still a multitude of magnificent dreams that surround me, and dance like breathtakingly beautiful silhouettes. They are formed within the depths of my heart and soul, inspiring me to run this race of life ever forging ahead, allowing nothing to stop me from achieving every last thing that I know is mine for the making!

As a little girl I remember believing that I could do absolutely anything that I could imagine. As I grew older, I realized that the dreams I once aspired to achieve were thwarted by poor choices and wrong thinking. Then it occurred to me! If my dreams were ever going to become a reality I would have to believe that others would be drawn to me and that my vision would inspire them to take chances that they normally would never take. And together we will hold hands, reach up to the stars, and see once unattainable dreams and visions become our reality.

I hold fast to the belief that vision attracts vision, and dream attracts dream. I like to think about the Law of Sympathetic Resonance. An illustration of this law is this: Picture that you have two pianos in a large room. There is a piano at one end of the room and another diagonally at the far end of the other side of the room. If you were standing at one of the piano's and were to strike a key you would be able to hear the sound, but then if you were to walk across the room to the second piano, and lift up the top, you would find that the same key that you struck on the first piano would be vibrating on the second piano even though you never laid a finger on it! 

Everything in life is created out of vibrations, and these vibrations become the magnet for those elements and people who share the same or similar dreams and visions that you do. Like attracts like. This is a universal law.

There are many different aspects and elements involved within achieving a dream. You may have a spectacular dream, but don't know how to run a business, or maybe you have great business savvy but have no idea how in the world to procure the funding that it is going to take in order to bring your dream to fruition. But as you pursue your dream, the very action of moving toward it sets the magnetic law of attraction in motion to bring all of the people, resources, and opportunities together collectively who can assist in making your dream become a reality. 

Think about it this way for a second. I'm sure that there are things that you have found such passion for that every chance you got you shared your ideas and vision with everyone you knew and anyone else you met along the way. Something magical happens as you begin to share your dream with others. Imagine that your enthusiasm inspires someone as you share your dream with them, and though they might not personally have any idea how to make it happen, they know someone that they are inspired to share what you have told them. 

The person who shared your vision with the person they know just so happens to know exactly what it is going to take in every step of the way to accomplish your dream(s). Even though that person who gets your vision may not know how to do all of the things that it is going to take to make it happen, they just happen to know another person who does. And then that person magically knows someone who can facilitate the funding that you need to get started, and it seems almost miraculous that these people are all on board with being a part of making your dream come to life. As you are introduced to someone else who knows exactly how to market your dream, voila your end result is that you have a plethora of resources and the people to help you accomplish your dream.

It seems so magnificent at the way everything all flows together  and finds its way into place. All because you passionately believe in your dream and don't hesitate to share it. The moment you realized you had a dream or a vision of what you would love to do in your life, your intention began the process of attracting and organizing all of the people who have the heart for your vision, and the resources and/or abilities necessary to bring your vision to life and be a part of making your dream come to pass!

I believe with all of my heart that if you have a dream that is big enough for you to accomplish on your own then I say your dream isn't big enough yet! Dreaming bigger than yourself takes amazing faith! Faith won't let you give up or let you let go of your dream even when things look like you are no closer than when you started and are feeling that after all of your time and hard work that there isn't an end in sight. It is your faith and belief in yourself that will hold your heart and your hand to guide you into the endless possibilities that are only available to those who aren't willing to let go of their dreams.

I can tell you that I have dreams that are so clear and vivid in my mind, and I live with the belief that I already have it and that I already am "xyz" rather than thinking that I have to become whatever it is. I continue to move forward believing that my preparation is the precursor that begins assembling everything I need or desire to arrive into my reality. Faith shows me a parallel universe. Reality is this tangible universe, but dreams and hopes are wired from what is abstract and unseen by our senses into this realm and into our experience because we see through the eyes of our heart and take action based on that. 

No matter how much time goes by, even when things look hopeless or there are more times than not when it seems that my dreams are against all odds and I am baited by the temptation of "impossibility" to give up or become discouraged, I simply can't deny what my heart already sees is completed. Then I am re-inspired again and again. 

Our dreams exist and they are more than just ideas or things we want to have. Our dreams are our wings that we have been given to fly. And much more than just dreams, they are the keys to unlocking the doors within our hearts deepest desires; made possible by continued faith and the pursuance because of our belief in them- even when it seems like I am the only one who can see what I see or believe is possible. 

My vision is clear and my purpose is great. I will continue living everyday with passion while yielding my heart to faith while preparing myself and creating my dreams with expectancy and patient cultivation. Along the way I hold my dreams dear to my heart, and fan the flames of passion, inspiration and hope so that together we can continue to discover that pushing the envelop and pursuing our dreams ultimately holds the keys that unlock the doors that lead us into our destiny!

Leaping Bravely into the Unknown

I feel certain that lately I have been finding nearly every reason under the sun to justify my unwillingness to finish writing my story and complete what has been set in motion from before I was even conceived. I connect to the awe of this ongoing trans-formative work within every fiber of my being; yet I am finding myself feeling detached.

Don’t get me wrong, I am passionate about sharing this realized hope and endless possibilities, yet I find I am still guarded-even in my vulnerability. Shame is the root of my detachment. Fear is the root of this shame. The bottom line I see is that where there is fear, there is the absence of love. Somewhere, I must still believe that I am unworthy of Love; or maybe it’s even simpler. I must believe that I am unworthy. The fear of being totally naked, exposed and judged; and it is here that my heart constantly wars and battles against my mind.

It is as exhausting as it is liberating.

I have tried to “think” and I realize that this is where my problems stem from. I find myself vacillating between my mind and the mind within my heart which is the only place where truth, wisdom, faith and willingness reside. Everything else is utter confusion…chaos. In this, there is no peace, the darkness is deep, and the spiral into it comes abruptly and with great force.

Love is the only way that I have learned to break free from the bottomless abyss within the dark recesses of my mind.

Just about the time I believe I know where to begin, I find myself paralyzed with fear of judgment and imperfection. Just so I can set this straight with myself, I know that I am far from perfect. There, I said it. Somehow even saying it doesn’t really reach the depths of where my lifelong shame has always called home. There are still so many places within my heart that I haven’t even been.

It’s still a little scary (ok maybe even a lot) to imagine going somewhere where no path or trail exists and the only light that will ever have shined there is the one I am, the one that is within me and the one that will never know unless I go there myself. Maybe I felt resentful for the fact that I have to make this journey all by myself. Then I remembered, that no matter what it looks like or feels like, I am never alone!

I was always terrified of the dark because I had no idea what was there hiding in the darkness. Even the thought of the dark always made my heart do flip flops and I didn’t like the way that felt. So if something feels icky or painful the most logical thing would be- don’t go there or do that. Right?

It depends. I am learning that sometimes there is a time to push through the pain and there is a time to listen to the warnings that the pain is there to advise you to back off; but it doesn’t mean forever. Discerning between the two is nearly impossible when I was always looking outward for external validation and approval. It seems silly to think that I am expecting anyone else to tell me what I am to do when I am the only one who holds all of the answers and direction to fulfilling my purpose.

I have spent my life trying to be unique while filtering everything I did, desired or did not do through what others were doing. I have spent my entire life trying to be a collage of what seems to be anyone else except me. I never even saw me. I didn’t want to. Because if I were so unique and worthy then why was I always pushed away, rejected, discarded, abandoned and punished for trying to be me?

I’ve spent my life trying to escape the “box” that I refuse to stop crawling back into. No matter how much I have wanted to have an amazing life and be an amazing person, I have always choked. Then I hop right back into the comfortable limitation of familiarity and chaos and then complain about it. I heard a speaker once say that people would rather stay in a known hell than to step into the freedom of the unknown. It sounded a bit to cliché. Until I actually remembered what that really means.

It is here I honestly started to see why my dreams and hopes have always been so grand and opulent. They were always unattainable. I never really believed that those things could become a reality in my life. The dreams became my coffin. My box of delusion. Wow, this is really humbling to admit. But the only way I will ever be able to step out of my ever unattainable ideas, hopes, dreams and aspirations is to first see why I hold onto things as I do and see my truth.

I spent my life hoping to be famous and be able to change the world, yet as big as those things are, there were safe. Safe in the respect of knowing that you have a snowballs chance in hell of either of those ever happening. Yet, now I am willing to see that the heat of hell could be the “frozen burn” where snowballs are possible-even in hell! This is one thing that I created “religiously” throughout my life. My own version of hell.

Desperate for limitlessness while continuing to tie myself up with the ropes and bondage of unbelief, self loathing, insecurity, inferiority and past. It’s hard- no, its impossible to ever escape the nagging images reminding of all of the past as long as I refused to see what my part was in how things happened or turned out in my life.

As long as I remained a victim, the truth is that I was never be able to see that I am able to choose something else and therefore get a different result. Expecting everyone else to change first so that I could finally change is a delusion that never disappeared until I became willing to believe that my life has turned into everything it is because of how I reacted and the choices I have made because of the stories I told myself about the things I was busy reacting to. It wasn't really until quite recent that I found out that there is no way to be able to experience life as it really is when you are busy reacting to what you think is happening.

It was a miserable existence to never realize that I have always had the control in my life. If that was true then why in the heck did my life turn out like it has? I was too busy believing that everyone else was responsible for everything that happened in every and any given moment. After all, if you don't have any power in your own life, then there is no possibility of making any changes. That way its easy to justify not rocking the boat in your own life, staying comfortably miserable and miserably numb. Off the hook so to speak from having to find a way out of the never ending nightmare that nobody continued creating except me.

I have spent my life in the rat race of this hamster wheel I have called life. But I am determined to do what I have never done before. I am determined to be the change that I believe is possible. I have finally realized and accepted that I will never know what is possible if I am always waiting, hoping, and even praying for someone else to step up and show me how to do this. So I leap into the blinding light which sometimes is as blinding as the darkness. The difference is that I am learning to trust myself. I fall down sometimes more than I walk and when I do I have realized that I am always there to brush myself off, pick myself up, and start again.

What became even scarier than anything I have ever known was the absolute freedom that comes with choice. There hasn’t been anyone here telling me what to do or not do. I felt for a very long time like I had been totally dropped in the middle of a foreign world called my life and hung out to dry. Dropped smack dab in the middle of a nightmare called freedom and opportunity where I know for the first time in my life that anything is possible and if its not happening in my reality it is because I am not creating it. No pressure or anything.

Good grief!

I exchanged one nightmare drama for another. The only thing is that I finally got exactly what I have spent my whole life begging, praying, believing, hoping, daydreaming about (infinite freedom and possibility), suddenly now I would give anything for someone to tell me what to do. Surely, I can’t be serious! Embarrassing to admit, but I'm willing…it’s true.

My entire life I have had a myriad of endless people telling me what to do. I have also spent my entire life totally opposing and flat out rebelling against authority because I felt like there was no one I could trust. I wasn’t safe. I knew the first thing I did wrong that everything would change and it was only a matter of time before I’d be sent away and dropped into another family. Anyone I trusted always bailed. In turn, as I grew up, I did the bailing and blamed everyone else for why I did. 

I didn’t care about starting over because I spent my life being forced to do that. What I couldn’t do was screw up and then stay to fix or heal anything that I had done. Needless to say, I am just beginning to realize and accept that before now, I really never made a single choice that wasn’t based on a reaction to something else. Every choice that I set out to make because it was something I wanted to do I always panicked, second guessed myself and wound up shrinking back to afraid to push forward. I still struggle with this, yet I am finding that being courageous in my life reveals that I am living very bravely. I still come face to face with the intensity of staring into the unknown, fear, and self reflection which never fails to remind me of how many times I have started, failed and had to find some way to get back up and keep moving when I had no idea how to do that.

Then I force myself to remember all that I have overcome to have gotten to this point in my life and in that brief moment of inspiration, though I may still be shaking and spinning inside from the dizzying memories, I leap.

I think that we give ourselves far less credit for living everyday with the greatest courage and bravery because we think that those words have been reserved for great heroic acts and the miraculous. So I feel like society has put these words upon a pedestal that is unattainable in our everyday lives. I always looked for someone to be my hero and rescue me. I wanted my knight in shining armor and my fairy tale come true. While I still believe that fairy-tales and dreams do come true, I have stopped waiting for someone to rescue me and discovered that it is possible to become your very own hero! I have become mine.

For the very first time in my entire life, I am in a place where I can choose to do absolutely anything. Even more, I have a support system of friends and professionals who back me and believe in me! This has been the most terrifying place I have ever lived. I am also learning for the first time in my life what it is to do something that I want to do without the pressure of force and expectation. This is also terrifying. It’s getting easier believing in myself and being able to trust myself. I continue to be amazed at how I am leaping out of my insecure comfort zones, but I am determined to push every envelop, belief and build this brand new foundation in my life that will not only stand strong, but withstand the tests of time.

Memories, Past and Now

As I am working on writing about the things in my life, I find that in recounting the memories step by step, it continues to produce a strong physiological effect. As the intensity of my writing about the memories increase, to my amazement, so does my heart rate. I can feel my heart beginning to beat faster and then I can feel it in my neck thumping like a bunny running a race.

Well I am running a race, but I continue learning that I have nearly infinite opportunities to recognize that this race I am running is not like any other kind of race. For this race has already been won long before I arrived. This race is not a sprint, but a race of endurance and skill. It is a race filled with alternate paths that have never been traveled. Running this race is not about winning a medal as you do in the Olympics, though the prize is far greater for those who finish.

I am realizing that with every step I take, I finish for I continue to keep my eyes and my heart upon the love of my life who is with me, my Lord. With every step I take, He feels the burn and the ache of exhaustion at the very same time I do, and when I win, He wins! Each moment is a moment of completion. A step that has been made and now lies behind us. Yet, as long as we are training for this race of life, we may tread upon the very places again and again that we have once upon a time in what is called and labeled “Past.”

Every step that I have felt moving me backward as I give all I am to advance through everything that comes is simply another grand and precious opportunity for me to see and discover something new that I missed when I traveled this road before. Though things appear to be redundant and the same old same old been there, done that experience, nothing is the same because I recognize that I have never been the person that I am within this moment before!

Which brings me to what I intended to share when I started writing this. I was detailing things about my life when I was 11 years old and living in South Carolina with my dad and my aunt, and it was almost like I could see the words I was writing as if they were a movie playing like a scene upon a big movie screen on the inside of my heart.

Though these moments are labeled memories and past, as I replayed them to capture the greatest and most accurate detail as I possibly can, I found myself experiencing the physical feelings as if I were right there in that very situation all over again like it is was the very first time.

I am finding myself holding my breath and having to remind myself to breathe because I don’t even realize as I am writing that my body is somewhat on autopilot. The internal pain and reminders of the severity of traumas as well as the amazing joyful moments continue to send physical chemical releases into my body in this moment of time which makes the past actually become the present.

For it is in this moment of time where I am somewhere else in thought, but present physically sitting on my bed with my back leaning against the wall; thus I am in 2 places at the same time that I am consciously aware of right now.

I find myself so amazed at how easy it is to be 11 years old all over again as I remember-even though in my physical body I am 40 years old. I am in awe at the power of thought and memory. I am in awe at how without even realizing it, the moment I bring a thought from the past into the place where I am right now, that without even realizing it, my body is responding to everything I am thinking. I first noticed that my heart beat began to pump harder and with that, my shoulders began tightening and pushing upward to stiffen my neck.

I could feel myself getting so hot to the point that I can feel myself sweating and radiating heat like I am out in the sun, when I am not. My fingers began stiffening and it is taking a very conscious effort to stay typing even though I am beginning to feel drained emotionally. Instead of my fingers gliding over the keyboard in a very rhythmic effortless way, suddenly everything is choppy and I find I am making many spelling mistakes that I stop the flow in order to go back and correct.

The more I can feel my heart beating faster, the faster my fingers begin to try to type, and that wouldn’t normally present a problem, but in this circumstance, my fingers are speeding up trying to keep up with my thoughts that have begun to move faster as I write about events from my childhood.

In the middle of writing something very intense for me about my aunt spanking me when I was 11, my mom called and I found myself irritable and moody, wishing to myself that I didn’t have to talk to her right now because I am all emotional and processing everything that I have just been writing.

As I redirected my thoughts to be totally present to my mom’s every word in our short conversation, I began to physically feel everything beginning to fade. I purposely sat on the sofa and propped my feet up. Maybe that helped with the intensity of my heart rate. As I talked to her, I focused on speaking to her in a tone of voice that was not rude or moody even though I still felt both of those things.

As I stayed present and my intention was to simply focus on my mom and picturing in my mind what she was talking about, without any effort, the “movie” my mom was helping me to play effortlessly took the place of the one that had become a traumatic replay of something that happened 29 years ago and just like a train switches tracks along its route, the feelings I was having in my body began to relax and I found feelings of peace begin to flow through my body as if someone were holding a pitcher of peace and joy and bliss above my head and slowly pouring it from the top of my head until it flowed down throughout every part of my body inside and outside.

My breathing has become deeper, and I am feeling my shoulders and arms relaxing. Thinking about the conversation with my mom has turned from one that made me feel crabby to being able to choose to hold the most recent conversation with her at the forefront of my thoughts. It feels much better to think about the things that just occurred in both scenarios because I am able to see as I consciously choose what I will think of in a moment where I am feeling emotional and don’t even realize it, I have discovered that I do not have to feel crummy!

In the time it took for me to move from a thought that was making me physically uncomfortable, I was able to feel the immediate transition that brought me from crabby to experiencing peace faster than any medicine.

I continue to be amazed and intrigued to the point of fascination about the actual power we hold within ourselves. I never would have believed in a million years that I could go from something that made me feel like screaming at the nearest person to me to a state of peaceful bliss where I am smiling again and filled with hopefulness and excitement! It didn’t just happen though. And I didn’t expect that it was someone else’s job or duty to make me feel better or lighten my mood.

I have just witnessed for myself how intense painful experiences can change from broken hopelessness to thankfulness and inspiration at the will of thought. I continue to discover that no matter what I feel and no matter how uncomfortable it is to revisit things from my past, to go there and allow myself to feel and experience whatever comes up for me is necessary in order to diffuse the hold of the painful reminder of something that is easy to believe is over and done with and nothing can ever be done to change it.

Three days ago while I was talking with my therapist she told me that this process actually has a name! It is called Exposure Therapy.

Which means in order to get beyond a memory or situation that hurts you so badly or infuriates you to the point that you want to hurt them the way that they hurt you, you will need to revisit it. Again and again and again. The more you focus your thoughts onto something painful, the more you are shining the light of your heart onto it. The more you go there to replay it for yourself, the more it begins to lose its intensity and hold on you. It is like desensitization except I continue to learn that by doing this enough, it doesn’t just lessen the traumatic feelings and leave you numb.

Something magical happens! When I have chosen to go into the darkened places within my heart that I was certain I would never be able to get over, once I go there, it becomes easier and easier to continue going back. It is like being a treasure hunter and you have the opportunity to return to the place in time that people say is no longer possible to go, and by playing the movie scene of a memory, it opens the screen and that moment for you to find something that you missed before.

Initially I was flooded with confusion to discover that the story I told myself about the memory I had held onto so tightly all of my life didn’t exactly happen the way I remembered it. Most of the time what I saw or was able to unlock within the memory of what happened was very slight, but my heart knew I was there to find the truth. I was there to get answers so that I could let it let go of me. So the light of love within my heart showed me what I couldn’t see before because I didn’t want to.

The more I returned, the more I felt the pain and could barely take the agony of anger and betrayal, or abandonment and rejection. But each time I have been able to learn that I will see what I want to see. As long as I was trying to be right or prove that whatever the memory was is true, the more freedom eluded me.

Once I came to the place where I wanted to see where I was in the memory to know what my part is/was within such a painful event, that is when I began to see that there were many more pieces of the puzzle that I never even knew were there.

By going into those places within my heart, I am the one leading the journey. I am the one in control. I can choose to leap or go back to where I feel safe. I can choose what I want to see and I can know that I am safe right now and trust that the answers are waiting for me to come to where they are.

I continue to find that as I replay and return to a memory it is like taking it apart piece by piece. The puzzle that I see labeled a memory is already put together. By taking one piece at a time and looking at what lies before me and within my hand, I can begin to see that each piece that was used to finish that particular puzzle, can be reconstructed and put together again. Except as you take the puzzle apart piece by piece, each pieces that caused so much pain and bitterness deep in the unreachable places of your heart, has just been unplugged. It only has power if you decide to put it back in the exact place where you found it.

Once you see each piece for what it is, those that distorted each puzzle disappear. We have been given the amazing ability to create just as our amazing Creator, for when he made us, He made us in His image and likeness. When we don’t know that we have the ability to heal from our pain we continue to hold onto the very toxicity that has continued to shape life for us from the moment you were hurt. I spent most of my life avoiding the thought of the things that I have worked to destroy and torment me.

Yet, as I go there, as I think about the unthinkable the pain loses its gripping hold that has suffocated me slowly for the greater part of my life. With each breath that I am able to take, the distortion begins to fade and so does the agony. It is never exciting to do something that you know is going to hurt, but I continue to learn that it is not the same kind of pain that I have spent my life struggling through. Each time I see a little more of myself than I saw before. The very memories that I was terrified to think of, I avoided like the plague. I was certain that I already knew exactly what took place and I had spent my life being a glutton for punishment. I didn't want to be that anymore.

The truth remained that the very walls that I spent my life building within my heart to protect me from being hurt and rejected became the very prison that held me hostage. There was nobody else that had the power to set me free. I was the one who built it which meant that I was the only one who could tear it down. However, miracles were born as I determined to revisit places in my past that I always said I couldn't change because "you can't change the past." At least that's what everyone always says. These journeys from here to there, down memory lane and back again became the keys that open the gateways that were locked and rusted shut for so long. I always held the master key and it was up to me to find it, use it, and remember that I have been set free from the prison walls that I had constructed so deep within my heart. 

For the first time in all of my life, I see myself and I have found the courage to face myself and challenge everything I believe I remember. It is here that I continue to discover the power within “If I am the problem, I can also be the solution.” I have discovered that knowing the truth really does set me free. Free from me. Free from my expectations, reactions and negativity that has always colored my perspective, perceptions, and clouded my life with the judgment that only divides, separating me first from myself, and then from those that I have judged. 

I have learned how to see beyond what other people do or don't do by accepting the only person I have any ability to control is myself. When I finally saw how much I have spent my life trying to micromanage everything and everyone else because I had no idea how in the world to control myself, I was set free from a weight of epic proportion. I am certain that managing my own life, my choices, and my reactions is a full time commitment. But I have come to believe that I am worth it, and that continues to make absolutely anything possible!

Saying Goodbye to Myself at My Own Burial

November 3, 2013

In just about 60 hours from now I am going to be going to one of the most beautiful places that I have ever been since I have been living in Minnesota. This is not just a beautiful place though. It is the place where after the longest and most insane 40 years into and through the wilderness that I have known as “life” that I am going to be laid to rest. It is in this magical fall kissed forest where I am going to be buried beneath one of the 3 bridges that were built long ago so that there would be a way to cross over the water that flowed throughout these amazing wooded hills.

I find it amazing that where the water once was is now dried up and the only thing that remains are the dirt paths within the winding trails that have been carved out of the landscape over time. At first I thought that they were just part of the walking trails that have been made by all who have spent time back there throughout the years; until we came to the bridges at the very bottom. It reminded me of a scene in the Movie Bridge to Terabithia, only there was nothing there but the bridge. It took my breath away.

Immediately I felt that somehow this would be the place that I wanted to be buried. I was talking with my friend Chene and she had said that it should be somewhere that the “old” me would go that I would not. Then it hit me. The old me was always somewhere else. Just as with “water under the bridge” symbolically, I am celebrating that I am the bridge and that all that was before is now under the bridge. I am who I am, because I was who I was.

It is amazing to me that for the first time in my life I am complete. I am whole. I am no longer trying to become someone else. I am alive for the very first time, and it is because of everything that I have grown up experiencing from the moment I was conceived that I have been shaped and formed by the waters of adversity. I have been remade! I have died, and I have been reborn.

Walking through the woods and seeing the emptiness that was once defined by where the water once flowed I felt the echoing sound as I walked in the woods and then stood upon the bridge. As I looked down, it was bone dry and had been that way for only God knows how long.

Yet, my heart could almost hear the water rushing gently throughout the hillside divide as it made its way effortlessly under the bridge. I scanned the dried winding pathway starting with where I stood and traced it back as far as I could see when I realized that this was not another part of the walking path, this was the bedrock, the foundation that once housed and carried the water so long ago. What was left, was nothing more than the shell, the imprinted remnants of what used to be. This is why I am here. It is here who I always was will be buried and rest. I honor who I was, and now, this will forever be “under the bridge.”

I have been poured out, drained and emptied of the life that once called my body, this shell of humanness, home. I have been carefully cleansed and restored by the hands of the Master and all those whom He continues to place within each step I take from inception to completion in every thought, idea, dream, hope, and plan; and together we do this again and again. These are refining moments. I am the clay, and His hands continue to shape me, strengthen me, temper me, reinforce all that has been done throughout every step of each process, and it is through the heat and fire of adversity and affliction that I am purified. I am His.

Without all that I spent my life choosing, none of this would be possible. The road has been long, and the wilderness I have known to be called “my life” has been the training ground that has brought me here. I have battled back and forth with the question that used to torment me because without fail, it reminded me of all of the “woulda, shoulda, coulda’s” which always sucked me back into the past. I was a hostage in my own body, trapped within the dark recesses of my own mind and inescapable, lifelong regrets.

Still, I have asked myself over and over again the same question that only recently has allowed me to accept the answer, the truth and the key. I spent my life searching for the answers from everyone else, and in every place imaginable except the one place where they have always been. Everything I have been looking for and desperate to know has always been right here within me, waiting patiently for me. What I have discovered has set me free from myself and the illusion that there was ever anyone else that was the “problem” or the “answer” within my life. I have always been both. This is what has made today possible for me to do and to share with you, with all of my heart.

This past year has been the most significant of my entire existence. It was also the year that was unimaginable for me because I could barely look a day or a week into the future without feeling dread and the bait of hopelessness; the thought of a year seemed like a lifetime of eternities. Yet the old adage that says good things come to those who wait rings true and that continues to transform me from chrysalis to metamorphosis…every time! I have learned that waiting is more about rest and preparation in the stillness and that waiting is not synonymous with being idle. I continue to learn that being still is one of if not the most valiant acts of courage I can do for myself for it is this process where the refining is redefining my character.

In the movie Mulan Christina Aguilara sang the song “Reflection” and as I think about this bridge where I am finally giving the greatest gift I believe is possible to give to myself. I am finally able with the heart of heaven and the light of love, to give the greatest gift of all to the girl, the woman I used to be.

She gave her life for me so that I could be here now. She is everything I am not, and I am everything she ever dreamed was possible and continue becoming so much more because along the way we realized that the sky never was the limit! I was always looking for someone else to make my dreams come true, and what I have come to realize is that there was nobody else who could give this gift to me but myself. My gift is that of honor, peace, and forever rest. I honor who I was for lighting the way and showing me how to never give up. I honor the prices that have been paid, and the lessons finally learned that were seeds in the soil of my life. Those seeds are eternal and the harvest is endless.

Who I was dragged me from one end of the spectrum to the other and back again and again. She finally slowed me down enough to find the will to discover what love really is and live the only true love which is Jesus. She refused to let me quit because she was not going to have her life lived in vain. She was my greatest cheerleader because it was in her negativity and fear ridden panic that I was brought to life. It was in her devious and underhanded lack of character that I have emerged honest, authentic, and willing to stand accountable for everything that we did throughout life.

Every time we spiraled so deep into the abyss, it was the weight of choices and unwillingness to come face to face with all that we had done and those we had been hurt and destroyed through our choices. We were sick, and broken. We were never alive even when it felt like it. She chose with everything she had to face me and it is her strength that has shown me how to choose because she always wanted to live, just not that way anymore. In this journey, I have learned to love her and have stopped trying to wipe away her existence and the memories that I have spent my life trying to forget.

I have gone back and forth with what I am hoping for in having a memorial gathering to bury the me I once was, and I wanted to make sure that I was not doing this for the wrong reasons. At first I didn’t know I cared. To be honest, it was a chance for me to say goodbye to all that I “was” and never look back. Yet, I am the girl, the woman who suffered many deaths and I am the girl and woman who has been brought to life as if for the very first time. The old me is the foundation of everything that I am built upon. To remove her is to remove me. I see all of the pain and torment that she took in my place, and my heart breaks for all that she and I lived through. She became the darkness within my being that made the reflection possible. For that, I am forever thankful.

When the Lord created us, He created a whole…the light is undefined without the darkness. It is there in the thickness of night where the colors, hues, and illuminating light shine brightly and light the way. She is my heart, though no longer my life. I honor her journey by living my own now, with her sacrifices and the strength to make them without becoming hardened by the pain have become interwoven within the fabric of love that is my heart, my soul, my spirit, and my being. I am certain that this is possible today because no longer are we two, but we have become one flesh. I am no longer at war with the “me” I used to be. I am today because of who I was then. 


I look down over the railing of the bridge and still there is no water. There is no reflection staring back at me and now I know that it is because I am the living reflection, the proof of infinite possibility in an impossible world.

Elizabeth Marie Walker- November 5, 2013