His Reflection

I wrote something I decided to call "His Reflection" because I was deeply searching for my purpose. I wanted to know exactly why I was put here on this earth. What is my destiny and above all who am I? 

I had to know! 

 

So one night early in January 2004, I lit my room full of candles and put my favorite song on repeat. Everything was perfect and I was excited to sit down, get cozy and write a heart filled masterpiece. I crawled onto my bed and piled my pillows behind me where I was sitting Indian style. I realized that I was blank. I couldn't find any words. How could this be? The words usually pour out of my heart like a flowing river of life. I scribbled some words that made sense to me when I was thinking them. But then once I wrote them on the paper, no matter how hard I wanted them to make sense, they didn’t. Then without warning, the hot tears began to stream down my face.

I felt the overwhelming pain leaking out through my eyeballs, and yet the tears only seemed to be the gateway that would light the way into my heart. It was a place that overflowed just like the tears that were pouring uncontrollably down my face. However, what overflowed from within my heart was everything I had spent my entire life doing everything possible to shut down, change, overcome, and avoid. Here I was, face to face with myself. I had a choice to make. I could either continue walking through the gripping pain and suffocating fear in order to reach my heart, or I could get frustrated that I was numb and couldn’t seem to connect to the inspiration I so desperately wanted.

I was desperate to know who I was, and what it was going to take for me to bravely journey into my own heart and find out what was really holding me back! Then it hit me. Who I am has everything to do with the one who created me, and without acknowledging Him I would never truly be able to tap into my life's purpose and meaning.

I love God, and I have always known I was “supposed” to love Him. But there were pieces of me that really believed that I could “do” this life on my own. My ego and foolish pride only masked my deep rooted fears and I really began to think that confidence & determination were the keys that would open the door to making all of my dreams come true.

What I didn’t realize was that without character and integrity as my foundation, just having confidence and determination is enough to make you rise to the top, but not enough to keep you from falling. In fact, I continue to see just how dangerous it is to rely on confidence and determination to lead the way!

Without integrity there is no regard for others or creating lasting, healthy relationships in life and business. Without character, there is no standard; there is no ethic, and usually little use for things like loyalty and honor! While being confident and having determination are very important, it takes character and integrity to create the lifeline’s that you will not cross under any circumstance or at any cost! I was tired of selling out. I always had what it took to get me just so far, and then when it came time to keeping my word or living everything I professed to be who I was, I choked every time. I made excuses, and I tried to find the easiest way that would still take me to where I wanted to go.

I started thinking about all of the opportunities that I have been given throughout my life and how many times I let them slip right through my hands. Despite my passion and determination for living life to the fullest, my heart was still empty and no matter what I did, or where I went, there were parts of me that still remained empty and lifeless. I “knew” that I was given the ability to conquer anything that came my way, but the ultimate quest was to figure out what my life meant, and who I really am.

I began to write.

As I remembered how many things have come and gone, I also remembered how many times I really believed that “this would be the one” that was going to launch me to the top! I dreamed of great successes and stardom.

The words began flowing faster than I could legibly jot onto my notebook paper. For the first time ever, I finally began to see the bigger picture within my life. I saw that success is not what I thought it was. I understood that success isn’t found in how much money you make, the kind of car you drive or how accomplished you are. It is not about how long you have worked at your job, your tenure or how big your house is. It isn’t even about how well behaved your children are and it has nothing to do with their achievements or your hopes for them becoming reality.

For pretty much all of my life I believed that you know you have become successful when you finally have and can do “xyz.” I guess that is why I was always focused on getting somewhere as if making it there was the grand finale; the Holy Grail. My life continues to change as I remember that true success is not a final destination where I’m all done once I “arrive.” That’s more like booking a vacation to Tahiti!

True success I have found comes moment by moment, and thought by thought. It comes when you are willing to stop looking at everything you don’t have and all that you think you “can’t do” to look through your life and see everything you do have and can do. Success is learning how to look in the mirror and love what you see-even when it feels uncomfortable to see something other than what you dream of being or know you “used” to be.

Success is when you decide to do the quality of work you “know” you would give if you were making $100k a year while you making $7.50 an hour or maybe nothing at all. Success comes when you find things that you really like about yourself and spend your time thinking about those things.

Success can be found in humbling yourself when you have acted like an ass to your children and instead of only going to them to say I’m sorry, you work to never forget how they felt when you did whatever it was-and then you live the “sorry” by changing what you do instead of just blanketing behavior with some words that make us feel better about ourselves.

Who I am has nothing to do with whether I succeed at “things.” I am alive. The miracle of life I believe is the greatest success of all! Because only from life, can life be born, but the flip side of that is that life also springs up from the very place where there is death. In fact, there can be no resurrection until there is a death.

God shaped us and then breathed His life into us so that we could live. So it is with us and everything we think, do, and desire. We are constantly creating, breathing our life into everything and everyone around us. Everything we have, feel, and are responsible for is a success. Success is usually thought to be something that can only be “good.” However, what we think about, we give life to. What we don’t realize we think about, we also breathe our life into. If something is miserable it is still a success because it is working to make you miserable. It grows and begins affecting everything as if it has been given a life of its own.

Once I realized that I was responsible for the very things that I was so irritated by or hated more than anything, I knew that I was the only one who would ever be able to change how I felt. Beyond that, if things in my life were ever going to be different and not just look different, I was going to have to get the help I needed so that I would have the tools to change the direction of my current “success!”

It wasn’t until I was finally willing to see how I had “successfully” ripped my entire life and family apart that I saw just how powerful we have been created to be. I had no idea that everything in my life was the result of my creation. I chose. I gave it life, and yet I wanted to blame someone else when things went south.

All of this time and I had become ultra successful in pretty much every area of my life and never even knew it. Of course it wasn’t the kind of success I had always wanted, but sadly, I was living the powerful success of misery, destruction, and everything that eventually becomes your worst nightmare! That threw me! I had created the monster and that monster wasn’t anyone or anything else. It was me!

But that isn’t who or what I wanted to be! At least that’s what I spent most of my life telling myself and everyone else. Because the truth is always simple, and it is usually the last thing we really want because knowing the truth prompts action. So it was always easier for me to say I wanted things to change than it was for me to do whatever it would take to face my past, immerse myself in the present, stop lying to myself and understand that the only one I was in a battle for my life against, was me!

What I discovered about myself was that my habits, reactions and being on autopilot was more in control of me than I was of myself. That is a very scary place to live. No wonder why I always felt that I was a victim at the hands of everything and everyone else. I live in my own body, yet I was totally out of control! But since I believed my problem(s) were because of everyone else, I never imagined how “getting help” was going to make a difference. After all, they were the problem, not me. What I didn’t know was that until I was willing to see the truth about myself I would never really be able to know who I am.

I thought about how strongly I believed that I had a purpose I had been created to fulfill and just how far away from any of it I was. I finally saw that it would be up to me and my choices to discover each and every gift, talent, and ability that has been placed within me. Suddenly, things started to make sense. My desires, thoughts, ideas, dreams, longings, questions and hopes have permeated every fiber of my being for what feels more like an eternity than just a lifetime. I’m pretty sure that regardless of how awesome all of the things were that I hoped to do or be in my life, that there was no amount of hoping, wishing, or dreaming that was ever going to drop my dreams into my lap fully assembled.

Just like with puzzles, you take each piece, find where it fits and after you are all finished the puzzle reveals a breathtaking picture. I believe that this is exactly the way life works.

All of the pieces are part of the puzzle no matter how unimportant or unrelated they may look compared to any of the others. There are even those pieces that look so bizarre and misshaped that it is almost unfathomable how in the world something that looks like that could ever be part of “this puzzle.” It isn’t until you are almost finished with the puzzle and down to the last pieces that you realize the piece that looked so bizarre and worthless at the beginning, just happens to be the one that connects to the final piece to complete the puzzle!

Sometimes puzzles can be tricky. Especially when you’re putting one together that has water with any kind of reflection. It can be hard to tell the difference between what is the “real thing” and it’s reflection on the water since they practically look identical. When you see what is in the reflection, you undoubtedly know what the original looks like 
since the reflection can only mirror what is directly in its light.

“His Reflection” continues to pave the way with each new step forward through this journey into what we call destiny! No matter where I may be in my life, “His Reflection” reminds me that no matter what, I am exactly where I need to be in this moment and for this time. As I remember that, the brutal self judgment and “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” fade because you cannot judge and accept at the same time!

In that very second, it was like the blinders that had covered the eyes of my heart for pretty much all of my life lifted and I realized that I can share the passion, and the love, that is within me with others who have and haven't quite found their way. From that moment on, I knew more than anything else, that I wanted to be the hands and heart of my Lord in this life, but it wasn’t until I discovered that it’s impossible to give your heart to anyone else before you open your heart to yourself. That was my beginning; this is where I began learning about who I really am.

For all of these years I was waiting for someone else to unlock those rooms within my heart so I could finally begin the journey that would take me through the course of my natural lifetime and beyond. What I didn’t know was that regardless of how many people really wanted to help me or journey alongside me, I was the only one who could unlock any of the doors, for I was the one with the master key!

From my desire to know, His Reflection was born. It was then I finally started to see why I am here. My question, “why” was followed with the answer: I am here. My question contained my answer all along! The answer, though penned by my hand, is written with His Heart! I love you Lord!

His Reflection

From the beginning
Before you were conceived
God had a special plan for you...

He wrote each day,
especially for you,
designed with joy...

As you grew in your mommy's tummy,

He had his hand on you,
keeping you safe, loving you
and counting the days
Until He knew you'd arrive!

He selected your parents

Even before they were conceived

They were handpicked to touch your heart with His
that was God's plan, as they were His gift to you
for you are the very best part of them!

He filled you with His love, creativity and imagination

You are specifically designed,
Hand embroidered,
and tailored by His heart
To give, to love, and to teach

Though sometimes it's hard to see His plan
it’s as intricate as when He created you
He knit you together, hand woven with purpose
and breathed His life into you

Each one of your days is God’s gift to you

Sometimes unclear, even confusing and painful
He knew what each day would bring

He trusts you to open each of the gifts
that He placed on the inside of you

From the day you were born
Until the day you go home to Him

He has given you so many gifts and talents
which will you open next?
Do you know which of His blessed gifts
you have already opened?

You are exactly where He knew you'd be...
In this day, at this time, for this moment
and
He is eagerly, yet patiently watching you

Proudly!
 
For you have opened gifts

He knows you will use for His glory

You have been broken, and reshaped with His eyes
and His heart
No limitations, only pure imagination!

His passion flows through you

With each step you've taken
He has held your hand just as your baby did
as she learned how to walk-
Discovering, Exploring, Completely fascinated
by endless possibilities
of what you will do, or where you will go

As you step, He is there
as you fall

He catches you gently in His strong arms
Full of Grace, Mercy, Love
and
Full of encouragement!

As He sets you onto your feet

To take another step
into each new step of your life
He can't wait to see your face
As you find & open another gift
Discovering yet another piece 
To this puzzle of life-
Your life, and learning who you are

He will love through you,
He will use others to change you,
develop you,
and 
Remind you of your purpose

Did you know

You are the answer to someone's prayer?
You have been created for such a time as this!
For as you hear His voice
and
step out in faith
All confusion, uncertainty, and fear
fade away

Your path was chosen just for you
just like your fingerprints
and
there is no one else like you in all of creation!
No one can do what you can...
Not the way you can do it!

Your faith has moved mountains
and
Your love changes the lives of those you know

You are a miracle,

A reflection of your Heavenly Father
who spends each moment, in each day, with you
creating a continuous adventure
exploring new ideas and dreams
your purpose is so great!
 
The question is do you know it?

Only you can do what He created you for
one step at a time
with each beat of your heart...

He opens doors for you
and
Holds your hand as you walk through them

Your thankfulness and adoration for your Father
Shape each new moment of your life

You are the one

That God knew He could trust
To reflect His image
His love,
and His compassion

For you reflect the light of His love
to those you have met
already know
and
to those you will meet in the future

This is your purpose
Designed from before the beginning of time
for you to reflect your Heavenly Fathers image
through your life, as He shows you who you are!